Post by Alice on Oct 7, 2008 0:04:17 GMT -8
In Walt Disney's timeless 1953 classic, "Peter Pan," the question was asked: "What made the red man red?" The film's 2002 sequel, "Return to Never Land," is what made me red... in sheer anger. I admit now at the start of this review that I have a personal vendetta against this movie, and I'll tell you why later.
"Return to Never Land," if you recall, is one of the very rare Disney sequels that was actually granted a theatrical release. I didn't see this "movie" (wow, I cannot call it that with a straight face) in theaters; I saw it with my brother (Goofy!) in a hotel, and the both of us loathed it. I had almost successfully forgotten about this childhood-smothering sadist of a film, when I received the recently released "Pixie Power!" DVD edition of the film as a Chanukkah gift. I'm just as surprised as you are, trust me!
The best part of "Return to Never Land" begins with an homage of the first film using clouds. This sequence of the clouds is a neat little reminiscing of the first film, but it also cuts itself: I could be watching the first film instead of this. Uh-oh. But, hey! The crocodile is featured on a cloud! At least he'll be in, right? Well, not exactly...
After the clouds, the movie enters war-torn London. It is the time of World War II, and London is of course the victim of the occasional bombings from the Jerries. Wendy is now an adult with two children of her own, and her husband is off to fight in the Good War. Her youngest child is a boy named Danny, and her tramp of an older daughter is Jane. Jane is the central character of this film, and, oh, boy, is that signaling how bad this movie will be right there. Her character is just not working at all. Apparently, to be a "modern" heroine is to be an obnoxious and flat snot. Wendy and her family also have a St. Bernard named Nana Two. Nana Two? What, did they name her a la Audrey Two? How original. Could they have at least tried for Nana the Second? At least that sounds more proper. And where the hell are John and Michael? I want to know where they are. Were they killed, are they okay, hello? I know it's weird, but I actually liked Wendy's brothers, too. I liked Michael, and I especially like John, so naturally I am curious to know where they are! Whatever. Anyway, the film begins in dark and gloomy London. The mere idea of this opening is a good setup, I must admit, but it didn't work completely. I don't really know why, to be honest. It just didn't feel natural, like the original film.
So Jane thinks Peter Pan and his friends at Never Land (not the Michael Jackson ranch) are a load of codswallop, but she's not quick to think that when she's kidnapped by Captain Hook, who mistakes her to be Wendy. Then they take a magical boat ride in the sky to Never Land. It's a lame kaleidoscope effect, in my opinion.
Look, clocks! Yet another reference to the crocodile! He must be in, right? Uh, no, sadly.
You know, this wondrous boat ride in the sky reminds me a little bit of another wondrous boat ride...
Violet: "What is this, a freakout?!"
So once Jane is in Never Land, the film pretty much goes downhill, and fast. She is rescued by Peter Pan, she denies the existence of fairies which causes Tinker Bell to fade away, she is antagonized by Captain Hook, she rescues Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, she goes home, she doesn't explore the more interesting locales of Never Land, the film never takes off, it... yeah.
I've held my tongue long enough. I will now get to the good part, the part you want and have been waiting for. That's right: what I hate. Where's the crocodile? He's mentioned three times, so he should be in, but he's not. He was mentioned once in the opening cloud sequence, in that kaleidoscope acid trip, and once more by Mr. Smee himself ("At least the crocodile had manners!"). You see, the crocodile is replaced in this film by a damn orange octopus. Why? I have no [bloody] idea. The octopus is a complete rip-off of the crocodile. He tastes Captain Hook, likes the flavor, and pursues the captain. He even does a [freakin'] tick-tock shtick with his tentacles. What the hell? If the creators decided to have an animal act like this, why didn't they just use the already existing crocodile? This deeply angers me, because the crocodile has always been my favorite "Peter Pan" character. The crocodile doesn't have a stupid pants-pulling gimmick like that damn octopus. Goodness, the Golden Gate Bridge sounds like a welcoming place right about now.
The animation in this movie is very inconsistent; it's somewhat similar to the animation seen in "Cinderella III," only without the excessive use of rotoscoping. When the animation is good, it's agreeable. When it's bad, it's bad. The mediocre animation was probably not so evident in "Cinderella III" because that movie was released on the small screen. "Return to Never Land," however, was on the big screen, and it looks mostly bad. While we're on the subject of animation, "Return to never Land" uses a large dose of CGI. And to be perfectly honest, it looks like crap. The computer generated imagery is just horrid. The original film's animators' painstakingly beautiful 2D work is pretty much given the finger with this sequel's ugly effects.
The backgrounds in this movie are the worst part of the film's artwork. They have an inexplicable hollowness to them, in the sense that they do not fully match the animated characters. In the words of a Rotten Tomatoes critic whose name I've forgotten, "The backgrounds are so bland that you'd swear the characters were standing in front of a blue screen." And that's the absolute best way to describe it. The characters really do like they're standing in front of a blue screen, instead of a true animated film background. Don't believe me? Take a look at this screencap, directly from the movie.
Can you tell what Tink is lying on? Neither can I.
Speaking of Tink, she blew a raspberry at one point, and it was clearly audible. Yeah, um, right off the top of my head, Tinker Bell cannot vocalize like a human. She speaks through the sound of tingling bells, for God's sake. She's not voiced by Julia Roberts, Brittany Murphy, whatever. As if a raspberry joke wasn't atrocious enough, there's a burp joke at some point in this movie. Merciful heavens. Why not go all the way, and have Tinker Bell rip a huge, juicy fart into a lit candle and set a blaze and be done with it? You just know the writers may have considered that as a possible joke. Did I mention there's a spitting handshake shared by the Lost Boys? Um, I don't remember such a handshake in the first film, but whatever. I'm gonna hock the mother of all loogies on this DVD as soon as I'm done with it, anyway.
It's sad that I know more about the characters and the Never Land universe than the filmmakers. I truly do feel confident saying that: in this movie, Captain Hook has brown eyes, but in the first film, when he did have color in his normally black pupil-only eyes, they were green. Also, Peter and Hook use slang and word selection that are out of character. This could be because they intertwine with the presence of Jane, but that doesn't make a lick of difference in my argument of out-of-character problems because Jane is a British girl in World War II. She should not use "kinda," "I get it," or even "buster." If these choice of words were the bee's knees in WWII-era England, then forgive me. I, however, doubt it.
Okay, what else do I hate about this movie? Well, there's the lack of Kathryn Beaumont. As some of you know, I've been a lifelong fan of Ms. Beaumont. She did record her lines for Wendy for this movie, but Disney replaced her with Kath Soucie. That's pretty sad to my eyes. ... Wait a minute. No! I take back everything I said about the absence of both Kathryn Beaumont and the crocodile! It's good that they're not in this movie! It would have been all-too-painful to see them in this mess. Of course, Kathryn Beaumont can be heard, along with Hans Conried and other original voice actors, through excerpts from the original film in the kaleidoscope scene. It's always about that kaleidoscope, isn't it?
No animated Disney feature, good or bad, could be complete without music! The songs in this movie suck. That's a blunt statement, but it is the gospel truth. The Lost Boys' song is a musical holocaust, in two words, and the pop songs--oh, my God, the pop songs. Why the hell are there pop songs that play in the background of certain scenes? At least the Lost Boys' song was sung by the characters, but these pop songs come out of nowhere and are just there! What the hell! That's not "Peter Pan"! Hell, that's not even good Disney! Suppose just for the moment that "Alice in Wonderland" had a pop song with dreadful, obvious lyrics. Suppose Alice sees the White Rabbit for the first time and chases him, and then, all of a sudden, a woman sings, "Oh, dear! A white rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch!/It must be a hallucination of mine after drinking too much Scotch!" And on top of the abysmal songs, the movie also features even more stupid jokes than "Mulan II" and "Cinderella III" combined.
Ugh. Just [bleedin'] ugh.
As already mentioned, Hook is pretty much out of character. The once classy yet hilarious pirate is now a blithering moron. Peter Pan, however, is somewhat interesting: even if he uses some phrases dubious to his character, he is not so cocky as he was in the first film. He actually appears to be more than willing to help Jane, whereas in the first film it took a while before he really leveled with the Darlings. This is probably just an out of character deal, but maybe, just maybe, Peter Pan has changed since his adventures with the Darlings. Maybe Peter has grown up a little, but still retained his youthful spirit. Good lord, what am I saying? The movie's writer (may he rot in hell when he dies) doesn't have two brain cells to rub together; of course this wasn't his intention!
Well, I only have one more thing to say against this film, and I have a visual to go along with it. In one scene, Jane is trying to learn how to fly with the help of Peter and Tinker Bell ("Learning to Fly" is an awesome Pink Floyd song, on an off-topic note). Things don't go so well for Jane, and she falls from a high ledge, and...
What is that? What the [hell] is that? Is that what I think it is? Is that Jane's outline on the ground, dented into the earth by her fall?
HOLD THE TRUMPET!
Why in God's name is this here? Is this supposed to be a sick joke? Yes, it is a joke, but it's not funny. In fact, it's downright maddening. Is this "Peter Pan," or is this Roadrunner and Wile E.-Frickin'-Coyote? Could you imagine such a gag in "Pocahontas"? Pocahontas jumps off from the top of a waterfall and misses the water, crashing into the earth instead. Dazed, she rises from her Pocahontas-shaped dent and says, "Be careful with that last step; it's a doozy!"
GRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!
And then it hit me... this movie was targeted for young children. "Peter Pan" is a timeless classic that has appeal for any age (Moony and I still tear up in the finale), but this movie was just made for kids. Peter Pan's name is ruined. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it to hell. Damn it all.
It should be evident by now that I despise this movie. However, I'll be fair and list off what I like about this movie. Um... the cloud homage at the beginning was nice, and the WWII-clad London, while not perfect, was worth noting. Also, Corey Burton is a great Captain Hook. He's not a perfect Hans Conried, but in my opinion he is a very nice replacement. Of course, he does say things he shouldn't say, but, hey. Peter Pan's voice actor did a good job, whoever the hell voiced him. Another decent aspect about this film is the score. But I have to say, I sensed a little deja vu when listening to it. Guess why? The score was composed by Joel McNeely, who also composed scores for "Mulan II" and "Cinderella III." Heh, nice career, buddy. But still, he did do the score for "Holes," which I really like.
The most baffling thing about the Pixie Power! DVD is that score music from the movie "Hook" is used in the DVD menus. Whoa! That's not good! That only makes me want to watch that Peter Pan movie over this one! "Hook" FTW. "Hook" does have its problems, but I love it. This movie, however, is just odd's fish cut up by Chef Louis.
This movie is just ghastly. I'm not even going to bother dignifying it with a witty closure. All I'm gonna say is skip this. If you love Never Land, this movie will trap your childhood in a cage and force a long, painful death on it. After this trip, I never want to "Return to Never Land" ever, ever again.
Oh, well. At least this nightmare is only 67 minutes long, plus credits!
* out of ****
"Return to Never Land," if you recall, is one of the very rare Disney sequels that was actually granted a theatrical release. I didn't see this "movie" (wow, I cannot call it that with a straight face) in theaters; I saw it with my brother (Goofy!) in a hotel, and the both of us loathed it. I had almost successfully forgotten about this childhood-smothering sadist of a film, when I received the recently released "Pixie Power!" DVD edition of the film as a Chanukkah gift. I'm just as surprised as you are, trust me!
The best part of "Return to Never Land" begins with an homage of the first film using clouds. This sequence of the clouds is a neat little reminiscing of the first film, but it also cuts itself: I could be watching the first film instead of this. Uh-oh. But, hey! The crocodile is featured on a cloud! At least he'll be in, right? Well, not exactly...
After the clouds, the movie enters war-torn London. It is the time of World War II, and London is of course the victim of the occasional bombings from the Jerries. Wendy is now an adult with two children of her own, and her husband is off to fight in the Good War. Her youngest child is a boy named Danny, and her tramp of an older daughter is Jane. Jane is the central character of this film, and, oh, boy, is that signaling how bad this movie will be right there. Her character is just not working at all. Apparently, to be a "modern" heroine is to be an obnoxious and flat snot. Wendy and her family also have a St. Bernard named Nana Two. Nana Two? What, did they name her a la Audrey Two? How original. Could they have at least tried for Nana the Second? At least that sounds more proper. And where the hell are John and Michael? I want to know where they are. Were they killed, are they okay, hello? I know it's weird, but I actually liked Wendy's brothers, too. I liked Michael, and I especially like John, so naturally I am curious to know where they are! Whatever. Anyway, the film begins in dark and gloomy London. The mere idea of this opening is a good setup, I must admit, but it didn't work completely. I don't really know why, to be honest. It just didn't feel natural, like the original film.
So Jane thinks Peter Pan and his friends at Never Land (not the Michael Jackson ranch) are a load of codswallop, but she's not quick to think that when she's kidnapped by Captain Hook, who mistakes her to be Wendy. Then they take a magical boat ride in the sky to Never Land. It's a lame kaleidoscope effect, in my opinion.
Look, clocks! Yet another reference to the crocodile! He must be in, right? Uh, no, sadly.
You know, this wondrous boat ride in the sky reminds me a little bit of another wondrous boat ride...
Violet: "What is this, a freakout?!"
So once Jane is in Never Land, the film pretty much goes downhill, and fast. She is rescued by Peter Pan, she denies the existence of fairies which causes Tinker Bell to fade away, she is antagonized by Captain Hook, she rescues Peter Pan and the Lost Boys, she goes home, she doesn't explore the more interesting locales of Never Land, the film never takes off, it... yeah.
I've held my tongue long enough. I will now get to the good part, the part you want and have been waiting for. That's right: what I hate. Where's the crocodile? He's mentioned three times, so he should be in, but he's not. He was mentioned once in the opening cloud sequence, in that kaleidoscope acid trip, and once more by Mr. Smee himself ("At least the crocodile had manners!"). You see, the crocodile is replaced in this film by a damn orange octopus. Why? I have no [bloody] idea. The octopus is a complete rip-off of the crocodile. He tastes Captain Hook, likes the flavor, and pursues the captain. He even does a [freakin'] tick-tock shtick with his tentacles. What the hell? If the creators decided to have an animal act like this, why didn't they just use the already existing crocodile? This deeply angers me, because the crocodile has always been my favorite "Peter Pan" character. The crocodile doesn't have a stupid pants-pulling gimmick like that damn octopus. Goodness, the Golden Gate Bridge sounds like a welcoming place right about now.
The animation in this movie is very inconsistent; it's somewhat similar to the animation seen in "Cinderella III," only without the excessive use of rotoscoping. When the animation is good, it's agreeable. When it's bad, it's bad. The mediocre animation was probably not so evident in "Cinderella III" because that movie was released on the small screen. "Return to Never Land," however, was on the big screen, and it looks mostly bad. While we're on the subject of animation, "Return to never Land" uses a large dose of CGI. And to be perfectly honest, it looks like crap. The computer generated imagery is just horrid. The original film's animators' painstakingly beautiful 2D work is pretty much given the finger with this sequel's ugly effects.
The backgrounds in this movie are the worst part of the film's artwork. They have an inexplicable hollowness to them, in the sense that they do not fully match the animated characters. In the words of a Rotten Tomatoes critic whose name I've forgotten, "The backgrounds are so bland that you'd swear the characters were standing in front of a blue screen." And that's the absolute best way to describe it. The characters really do like they're standing in front of a blue screen, instead of a true animated film background. Don't believe me? Take a look at this screencap, directly from the movie.
Can you tell what Tink is lying on? Neither can I.
Speaking of Tink, she blew a raspberry at one point, and it was clearly audible. Yeah, um, right off the top of my head, Tinker Bell cannot vocalize like a human. She speaks through the sound of tingling bells, for God's sake. She's not voiced by Julia Roberts, Brittany Murphy, whatever. As if a raspberry joke wasn't atrocious enough, there's a burp joke at some point in this movie. Merciful heavens. Why not go all the way, and have Tinker Bell rip a huge, juicy fart into a lit candle and set a blaze and be done with it? You just know the writers may have considered that as a possible joke. Did I mention there's a spitting handshake shared by the Lost Boys? Um, I don't remember such a handshake in the first film, but whatever. I'm gonna hock the mother of all loogies on this DVD as soon as I'm done with it, anyway.
It's sad that I know more about the characters and the Never Land universe than the filmmakers. I truly do feel confident saying that: in this movie, Captain Hook has brown eyes, but in the first film, when he did have color in his normally black pupil-only eyes, they were green. Also, Peter and Hook use slang and word selection that are out of character. This could be because they intertwine with the presence of Jane, but that doesn't make a lick of difference in my argument of out-of-character problems because Jane is a British girl in World War II. She should not use "kinda," "I get it," or even "buster." If these choice of words were the bee's knees in WWII-era England, then forgive me. I, however, doubt it.
Okay, what else do I hate about this movie? Well, there's the lack of Kathryn Beaumont. As some of you know, I've been a lifelong fan of Ms. Beaumont. She did record her lines for Wendy for this movie, but Disney replaced her with Kath Soucie. That's pretty sad to my eyes. ... Wait a minute. No! I take back everything I said about the absence of both Kathryn Beaumont and the crocodile! It's good that they're not in this movie! It would have been all-too-painful to see them in this mess. Of course, Kathryn Beaumont can be heard, along with Hans Conried and other original voice actors, through excerpts from the original film in the kaleidoscope scene. It's always about that kaleidoscope, isn't it?
No animated Disney feature, good or bad, could be complete without music! The songs in this movie suck. That's a blunt statement, but it is the gospel truth. The Lost Boys' song is a musical holocaust, in two words, and the pop songs--oh, my God, the pop songs. Why the hell are there pop songs that play in the background of certain scenes? At least the Lost Boys' song was sung by the characters, but these pop songs come out of nowhere and are just there! What the hell! That's not "Peter Pan"! Hell, that's not even good Disney! Suppose just for the moment that "Alice in Wonderland" had a pop song with dreadful, obvious lyrics. Suppose Alice sees the White Rabbit for the first time and chases him, and then, all of a sudden, a woman sings, "Oh, dear! A white rabbit with a waistcoat and a watch!/It must be a hallucination of mine after drinking too much Scotch!" And on top of the abysmal songs, the movie also features even more stupid jokes than "Mulan II" and "Cinderella III" combined.
Ugh. Just [bleedin'] ugh.
As already mentioned, Hook is pretty much out of character. The once classy yet hilarious pirate is now a blithering moron. Peter Pan, however, is somewhat interesting: even if he uses some phrases dubious to his character, he is not so cocky as he was in the first film. He actually appears to be more than willing to help Jane, whereas in the first film it took a while before he really leveled with the Darlings. This is probably just an out of character deal, but maybe, just maybe, Peter Pan has changed since his adventures with the Darlings. Maybe Peter has grown up a little, but still retained his youthful spirit. Good lord, what am I saying? The movie's writer (may he rot in hell when he dies) doesn't have two brain cells to rub together; of course this wasn't his intention!
Well, I only have one more thing to say against this film, and I have a visual to go along with it. In one scene, Jane is trying to learn how to fly with the help of Peter and Tinker Bell ("Learning to Fly" is an awesome Pink Floyd song, on an off-topic note). Things don't go so well for Jane, and she falls from a high ledge, and...
What is that? What the [hell] is that? Is that what I think it is? Is that Jane's outline on the ground, dented into the earth by her fall?
HOLD THE TRUMPET!
Why in God's name is this here? Is this supposed to be a sick joke? Yes, it is a joke, but it's not funny. In fact, it's downright maddening. Is this "Peter Pan," or is this Roadrunner and Wile E.-Frickin'-Coyote? Could you imagine such a gag in "Pocahontas"? Pocahontas jumps off from the top of a waterfall and misses the water, crashing into the earth instead. Dazed, she rises from her Pocahontas-shaped dent and says, "Be careful with that last step; it's a doozy!"
GRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!
And then it hit me... this movie was targeted for young children. "Peter Pan" is a timeless classic that has appeal for any age (Moony and I still tear up in the finale), but this movie was just made for kids. Peter Pan's name is ruined. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it to hell. Damn it all.
It should be evident by now that I despise this movie. However, I'll be fair and list off what I like about this movie. Um... the cloud homage at the beginning was nice, and the WWII-clad London, while not perfect, was worth noting. Also, Corey Burton is a great Captain Hook. He's not a perfect Hans Conried, but in my opinion he is a very nice replacement. Of course, he does say things he shouldn't say, but, hey. Peter Pan's voice actor did a good job, whoever the hell voiced him. Another decent aspect about this film is the score. But I have to say, I sensed a little deja vu when listening to it. Guess why? The score was composed by Joel McNeely, who also composed scores for "Mulan II" and "Cinderella III." Heh, nice career, buddy. But still, he did do the score for "Holes," which I really like.
The most baffling thing about the Pixie Power! DVD is that score music from the movie "Hook" is used in the DVD menus. Whoa! That's not good! That only makes me want to watch that Peter Pan movie over this one! "Hook" FTW. "Hook" does have its problems, but I love it. This movie, however, is just odd's fish cut up by Chef Louis.
This movie is just ghastly. I'm not even going to bother dignifying it with a witty closure. All I'm gonna say is skip this. If you love Never Land, this movie will trap your childhood in a cage and force a long, painful death on it. After this trip, I never want to "Return to Never Land" ever, ever again.
Oh, well. At least this nightmare is only 67 minutes long, plus credits!
* out of ****
