Post by Donald Duck on Jan 17, 2009 4:02:32 GMT -8
It was 11:40 PM on April 14, 1912 when the RMS Titanic collided with an iceberg. No one expected that the Titanic would sink during the wee hours of the following day in the North Atlantic Ocean. The ship not only sank, but it took the lives of over 1,500 people. It is among the most tragic life lessons of arrogance; “To hell with the lifeboats!” someone probably said. “We don’t need them! God Himself cannot sink this ship!” Still, a life lesson shouldn’t cost over fifteen-hundred lives, and that is why Titanic remains one of the most well-known and studied peacetime disasters in history. Titanic will always be a tragic tale… but, fortunately, plenty of tasteless jokes have been made of the very same subject!
TV Funhouse, as some of you are aware, is a recurring skit in Saturday Night Live, consisting of controversial and always comedic animated parodies and satires. One of the most popular skits is a pseudo-trailer for a pseudo-Disney film, “Titey.” Titey was an anthropomorphic version of the RMS Titanic, voiced by Jason Alexander (somewhat similar to Little Toot). With Anne Frank on board, Titey found the courage to conquer the evil iceberg (voiced by Whoopi Goldberg), all while the passengers sang and danced.
It was a really funny skit, and when I first saw it years back I scoffed. “An animated Disney musical about the Titanic. Riiiiiiight! That’ll be the day.”
The good news Disney never did make such a film, but the bad news is someone else sure did!
I first discovered the name “Titanic: The Animated Movie” when I browsed through numerous “Worst Animated Films of All Time” lists. Since watching purely awful films is something of a hobby, I purchased a copy of the film for a couple of bucks. Alas, I still feel profoundly ripped off.
This movie was made in Italy. Italy is responsible for a lot of wonderful things, namely Italian food. Unfortunately, no amount of penne pasta can make up for this dreck.
As if an animated musical about the Titanic wasn’t enough, the film’s description on the back of the DVD case is also brazenly surreal. I shall type what said description says, and please understand that I am not making this up. Heck, I’ll even leave the grammatical errors!
Titanic: The Legend goes on…
Set sail aboard the famous ship Titanic, where you will meet many lovable characters as they embark on a fun-filled adventure across the sea! Meet Angelica a young, beautiful girl who dreams of meeting her prince charming. Sir William Greenfield a rich and handsome yet shy and modest Scottish nobleman. Corynthia Meanstreak an able swindler who is aided by her two clumsy nephews Kirk and Dirk. And of course we can’t forget all the lovable Animals who populate the Titanic and will tell their own stories. Maxie the mouse, Geoffrey the cat, Danny the Dalmatian, Hector the Magpie and more!! Together these characters conjure up delightful entertainment for kids of all ages!
As it happened in the real story, the Titanic will hit the iceberg but only to determine the beginning of a new life full of hope for everybody!! Filled with hilarious antics, fun music and enchanting characters this movie is sure to be a hit with the entire family!
CHILD-FRIENDLY ENDING ASSURES EVERYONE IS RESCUED AND LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Set sail aboard the famous ship Titanic, where you will meet many lovable characters as they embark on a fun-filled adventure across the sea! Meet Angelica a young, beautiful girl who dreams of meeting her prince charming. Sir William Greenfield a rich and handsome yet shy and modest Scottish nobleman. Corynthia Meanstreak an able swindler who is aided by her two clumsy nephews Kirk and Dirk. And of course we can’t forget all the lovable Animals who populate the Titanic and will tell their own stories. Maxie the mouse, Geoffrey the cat, Danny the Dalmatian, Hector the Magpie and more!! Together these characters conjure up delightful entertainment for kids of all ages!
As it happened in the real story, the Titanic will hit the iceberg but only to determine the beginning of a new life full of hope for everybody!! Filled with hilarious antics, fun music and enchanting characters this movie is sure to be a hit with the entire family!
CHILD-FRIENDLY ENDING ASSURES EVERYONE IS RESCUED AND LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER!
Okay, that loud noise you just heard was the sound of your jaw dropping. Don’t be embarrassed; my jaw dropped, too. What the hell is that? I mean, the grammatical errors are just the icing on the cake; how dare they claim that the Titanic has a happy ending? Hey, why don’t we just make an animated musical about the holocaust and claim, “Millions are imprisoned, but only to determine the beginning of a new life full of hope for everybody!!” Even for an aficionado of tasteless jokes such as myself, I find this highly offensive. Imagine if you were a survivor of the Titanic, and you picked up a copy of this movie. I don’t think I’d even go past the description.
To be fair, I can understand why someone would eventually feel the desire to make an animated film about the Titanic. Think about it: besides the actual ship, what is the first thing you think of when you hear the word “Titanic?” For me, it’s the 1997 James Cameron film of the same name. There have been other films about the Titanic, and many films reference or feature the Titanic in some ways. This is true, but whether you love or hate that movie (I’m somewhere in the middle), there’s no denying that that film is immensely popular, and shook the cinematic world from end to end when it was released. Considering all the money and Academy Awards it has won, it’s now understandable that turning Titanic into a film isn’t a bad idea.
“What about an animated musical?” Well, there was also a Broadway musical also called “Titanic,” and it goes without saying that said musical was also based on the damned ship. Although the critical reception of the show was initially negative, it also became a surprise hit, and the public reception was far more positive.
Also, let’s consider “Pocahontas.” This film proved that it is possible to take a real-life event (or a series of events) and successfully portray them in an animated musical format.
The point I’m trying to make is that it is possible to make a decent animated musical about the Titanic. But is “Titanic: The Animated Movie” good? Not just “no,” but hell, no.
All right, let’s set this happy cruise off! The film opens with Italian names, a little bit of piano music that in all honesty reminds me of “2 Girls 1 Cup”, and a title card. But there’s one problem with the title card: it’s not the same title seen on the DVD case.
MY LEGEND WILL GO OOOON AND OOO—okay, I promise not to make any further references to the James Cameron film.
So, this film is known as both “Titanic: The Animated Movie” and “Titanic: The Legend Goes On…?” Okay, this inconsistency is bad news, and we haven’t even seen any animation. Well, hopefully the animation will be goo—OH, MY GOD.
Kill it with fire! It’s hideous!
This is the very first piece of animation in this film, and look at how ugly it is! The woman is supposed to be sexually attractive, and yet she’s indisputably hideous. Also, look at the blank, emotionless eyes of the man on the right. I can tell you right off the bat, this is the ugliest 2D animated film I’ve ever seen, and we’re only fifty-five seconds into the movie! The rowing animation of these two characters are glaringly choppy, too; you’ll find smoother animation in a Flash cartoon.
If they don’t get help soon, they’ll go from singing “A Sailor’s Life is a Life For Me” to “The Beautiful Briny.”
Actually, this film does not begin on a high note; the ship is sinking, and people are crying, shivering and even screaming. One old bat even has the audacity of chuckling and smiling at another man’s misfortune. One would think that the DVD case’s description has already lied. This film also repeats animation way too much; the female character turns her head and gasps in the exact same way no less than three times. Repetition of animation is an occurrence throughout the movie, so compared to this “The Sword in the Stone” and “Robin Hood” look entirely original.
This is actually the end of the movie, but the female character, Angelica, flashes back to previous events on the fated liner. Somehow, she also has flashbacks of other people’s memories and events, some of whom she has never met!
Angelica flashes back all the way to before the Titanic sets sail. She is pretty much a slave to an old woman and her two unattractive, awkward daughters.
GOSH, OF WHAT DOES THIS REMIND ME?!
That’s right. Angelica’s antagonists are reincarnations of Lady Tremaine, Drizella and Anastasia. Hell, they even have a cat that reminds me strongly of Lucifer. Good lord. Unfortunately, we have just encountered the first of many, many ripped-off concepts to be found in this animated musical. To list off every single piece of plagiarism right now would be tedious, so I will just point them out as we go along. Full sail ahead!
Angelica keeps a locket with a picture of her mother inside. She has absolutely no idea where her parents are, and refuses to believe that said parents are dead.
We cut to a very ugly Liverpool, and the Titanic is about to set sail. One would immediately notice the grating score music, which is nothing but synthesizers. I don’t have a problem with synthesizers, but they really do not belong in an animated film about the Titanic. Plus, the fact that synthesizers were utilized instead of an orchestra proves that this film had a very small budget. To add salt to the wound, the themes are derivative and uninspiring.
“Okay, okay! Here, here’s my wallet! Please, don’t hurt me!”
Seriously, though. Rarely do I see such ugly faces on heroines.
In this section we are introduced to the characters. Both humans and animals board the Titanic, including Corynthia Meanstreak and her nephews, Kirk and Dirk.
I like the bug-eyes on Meanstreak’s pet. Also, Kirk and Dirk are so daft that calling them “Mentally Challenged” would be a compliment.
Once again, what do these three characters remind me of?
Oh, right!
Yeah!
Angelica meets the son of mice immigrants. Wait, so now we’re no longer ripping-off Disney? Now we have to rip off Don Bluth, too? Sure, why not? We can’t leave anybody out, now, can we? I also like how there are mice with extremely thick Russian-esque accents in Liverpool.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I present “An American Tail: Fievel on the Titanic!”
Papa: “They say America is the land of opportunity. I say it is the land of plagiarism.”
Thanks to Geoffrey the Cat, Angelica loses her locket. Said locket is eventually picked up by a Frenchman named Gaston. By the by, Gaston also happens to be a blatant rip-off of Gaston from Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast.” I know some would argue, “Well, just because a man is named Gaston doesn’t mean he’s a rip-off of anyone; Gaston is a popular French name.” That may be, but take a look at Gaston from “Titanic.”
“Right from the moment when I saw that locket…!”
Gaston looks just like the villainous Gaston! The only differences are a moustache and a French accent that is even more exaggerated and unbelievable than Inspector Clouseau’s (his voice sounds just like Randy Newman trying to sound French, which is to say grating).
“No one is ripped-off like Gaston!”
Gaston pockets the locket. The cad! We are then introduced to William, complete with Botox-injected lips. More on him later, because we are also introduced to a raven (or a crow, whatever) who has a shiny object fetish. He snatches a golden pin from a squirrel’s hat.
Way to not look suspicious, bird-brain!
Could this bird be a rip-off of a crow with a similar passion for shiny objects? A crow from only one of the greatest non-Disney animated films of all time, “The Secret of NIMH?” Nah!
Jeremy: Relax I got a plan.
The last passenger to board the Titanic is Detective Sam Bradbury, who desperately wants to be Sherlock Holmes. He even has a deerstalker cap. How much of a poser can one be?
The Titianc sails, and Angelica realizes that her locket is missing. She is informed by her guardian that she cannot attend the Titanic’s reception, because “[Angelica] has nothing to wear.” Holy God, this is almost word-for-word “Cinderella!” Angelica and her third-class roommates encounter the immigrant mouse boy (I don’t know his name and I don’t care, really). Instead of freaking out, they hand the mouse boy a piece of bread and he returns to his parents.
As mouse boy tells his mother of Angelica and her woe, he is attacked by Geoffrey the cat and Meanstreak’s dog. Fortunately, a dog scares away the antagonists and rescues the immigrant mice, and then we dive into the film’s first song.
No. This is not a joke. This is an actual excerpt straight from the film. As you can see, the animation is freakin’ ghastly, the song is horrendous, and the choice for backgrounds are obnoxiously inappropriate. Exactly why the hell are there contemporary brick walls and buildings in some shots? Or more obviously, why was the dog wearing gangsta clothing and carrying a boombox? Unforutunately, we have more of this film to cover!
Also, that angry chef undoubtedly reminds you of Chef Louis from “The Little Mermaid.” Mon Dieu!
Meanstreak sounds like a mixture of Cathy Moriarty and Aunt Figg from “Tom & Jerry: The Movie.” I just noticed that.
Gaston tries his best to flirt with a particularly attractive (at least by this film’s ugly standards) woman. Actually, I’m fairly certain Gaston only has the hots for this woman because of her Jessica Rabbit-esque boobs. The dogs converse, evidently banding together to stop some reported thieves (which is also why Detective Bradbury is onboard).
Kirk and Dirk’s mission to steal some jewelry doesn’t work out. In fact, they are complete morons, and one of them even blubbers (“br-r-r-r-r-r!”) at one point. Could their voice actors be any worse?
Angelica finally meets William, and the two immediately fall in love. Ah, tradition! Alas, they are soon separated, and William promises himself to find Angelica, and get biz-ay.
There’s no need to fear! Botox Man is here!
The dog that sang “It’s Party Time,” who now has a completely different speaking voice, is the self-appointed leader of the ship’s animals. Not that the scene stating as such was important... The animals set out to retrieve food and decorations for their own reception, and a goofily-voiced mouse is antagonized by the ship’s head cook, the aforementioned Chef Louis copy. Also worth noting is a couple of Dalmatians. They strongly remind one of Pongo and Perdita.
Hilarity, guys! Hilarity!
William searches frantically for Angelica while Gaston gives Angelica’s locket to the beautiful woman he stalks. It turns out she is a singer, and sings a song for everyone. The song is bland and forgettable, and unfortunately repeats several times.
There are two reasons why Gaston is so infatuated with this woman. I wonder what they are?
William finally finds Angelica, and the two immediately waltz and hint their mutual affection. Wow, that was much easier than how I professed my love! Angelica believes that she’s unworthy of the rich and dapper William, and she leaves. She has the courtesy of giving her name to the suitor, though.
To quote Collin, “I love the shading on the handrails.”
Angelica is bummed that she can’t go to the reception because she has no dress. Fortunately, her roommate has the dress she once wore in her youth, and offers it to Angelica. Wow, that was nice and convenient. Does this woman seriously have an age-old dress that she hasn't worn in decades at the ready? I don't doubt some people keep certain objects for good memories and sentiment value, but at the same time I don't take said objects with me anywhere and everywhere I go. So, Angelica goes to the reception!
The Dalmatians, who belong to Ms. Voluptuous, recognize the locket, but they don’t inform the other animals yet. The immigrant mice search for the locket on their own and manage to escape an attack from Geoffrey. Yawn. The crow and the mice eventually rendezvous with the Dalmatians, and with their combined efforts, they retrieve the locket and return it to Angelica. Awww, isn’t this just sweet? *grabs a jug of whiskey and downs it rapidly, hoping to end it all*
Now is probably a good time to say that this film also plagiarizes the 1997 Cameron film. The protagonists in "The Animated Movie" are essentially Jack and Rose, but only flipped. How low.
At least they got one location right.
At the reception, Ms. Voluptuous complains that her locket is missing (when in actuality it returned to its proper owner). She’s not too distressed, though, because she starts singing with a completely different singing voice. She sings this song (“Hold me, don’t ever let me goooooooo”) for about five minutes. During the song, William recalls previous scenes in the film… that all happened no more than twenty minutes ago. Padding at its finest! Fortunately, Angelica does in fact show up. The two then waltz in an extremely choppy, non-fluid manner. Gaston is revealed to be a fraud, and Ms. Voluptuous slaps him.
“IMMA FIRIN’ MAH LAZAR! BWAAAAAAHHHH!!”
Okay, by now I've noticed something, and I just have to ask. What the hell is up with all of these breast shots? Seriously; it seems that every other scene focuses entirely on boobs. Don't get me wrong, I love them orbs, but these shots are just gratuitous. It's sick, really; you just know the animators (and I use the term loosely) probably chuckled like immature schoolchildren while drawing them!
Angelica and William pretty much profess their love, and the animals celebrate everything by throwing their own shindig in the belly of the ship. They sing a song called “Mucho Gusto.” Observe.
Repeated animation, off-synch lip movements and plagiarism highlight this showstopping number! I love how the cats playing the instruments are very similar to the “Ev’rybody Wants to be a Cat” sequence in “The Aristocats,” and the two Dalmatians sharing a sausage link and eventually kiss? Totally not like “Lady and the Tramp!” The geese also remind me a lot of “The Aristocats.”
Meanwhile, Kirk and Dirk succeed in robbing a fat woman and return their finding to Meanstreak. The kicker: all of the fat lady’s jewelry is fake.
I feel confident in saying that I know what’s on everyone’s mind right now: “When is the ship gonna hit the iceberg?” Well, soon! Thank goodness; now we have plot!
Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of poor CGI…
The Titanic indeed strikes and iceberg, and mass hysteria commences. The animals help each other out in order to survive, and the lifeboats begin to descend.
HUR HUR HUR! LET’S MAKE FUN OF AN EVENT THAT KILLED OVER 1,500 PEOPLE!! COMIC GOLD!
Despite the chaos, Angelica and William find each other. Alas, we’ve all heard “Women and Children ONLY!” before. Angelica is therefore allowed in a lifeboat without William, and this is where we arrive at the start of the movie: Angelica watches onto the sinking Titanic with depression, convinced that William has drowned.
She is convinced that William has drowned because he rescued a child from the water, but got pulled under and hadn't resurfaced. That is why everyone believes him to be dead, until he is found and pulled aboard a lifeboat by Angelica, the nanny, and Bradbury. Of course, there's a stupid scene where Bradbury is pulled aboard in hopes that he's William, but nope. It's just Mr. Stock Detective Bradbury himself. What a cad, giving our hopes up!
That is why everyone believed him to be dead, until he was found and pulled aboard a lifeboat by Angelica, the nanny, and Bradbury.
But don't worry! The animals have some bizarre encounters with dolphins and the ship's cook! Splendid! Sure, dolphins! Why not dolphins?! I mean, over 1,500 people supposedly lost their lives as a result of this tragedy, but dolphins are sure to cheer you up!
And the animals have some bizarre encounters with dolphins and the ship's cook. Sure, dolphins. Over 1,500 people supposedly lost their lives, but dolphins are sure to cheer you up!
So, that's a wrap. The DVD case’s description gave the ending away! Every character (besides Captain Edward J. Smith and Ms. Voluptuous, who both DIE) lives happily ever after. We know this, because Mouse Boy jams it down our throats. “This happened! This happened! And this happened! This happened! We’re all happy!”
- William’s nanny turns out to be Angelica’s mother. Very convenient!
- The Ship’s Cook (that’s his name!) hires all the animals save for the dogs to work in his restaurant. Take that, “Ratatouille!”
- Detective Bradbury gets Meanstreak locked up, and hires the dogs as partners.
- Kirk and Dirk married the Anastasia and Drizella clones. Considering both men look considerably older than the girls, this is highly unsettling.
- Gaston got screwed, literally. He’s practically a slave. That’s not so happily-ever-after for him!
- Since Ms. Voluptuous’s breasts didn’t serve as a flotation device, she drowned. Her Dalmatians were brought in by newlyweds Angelica and William. What I don’t get is how Voluptuous dies, and yet the Dalmatians live. Hmmm.
The movie, which has fifty-seven minutes of story, concludes with something most bizarre: a thirteen-minute end credits sequence. Seriously, the credits last for thirteen minutes. That’s a huge chunk of such a brief film, wouldn’t you say? The reason the credits are so drawn out is that the sequence contains both flashbacks and the same damn Voluptuous song. YOU’RE DEAD, WOMAN! JUST SHUT UP!
Wow. Check out the ha-has on Angelica. Aren't they the freakishly-lipped couple?
That’s the end. Forgive me, Molly Brown, wherever you are.
I feel that this review isn’t one of my funniest, and I apologize. It’s just that this film is so, so awful that I struggled to think of anything funny to say about it. I have seen some pretty bad animated films in my time, but none of them compare to this. You remember how I dislike “Ariel’s Beginning,” “Mulan II” and “Return to Never Land?” Well, all of those films are better than this. I thought I would never see the day where I would say this, and I feel ashamed, but “Cinderella II: Dreams Come True,” the worst of Disney’s sequels, is a better animated feature than “Titanic: The Animated Movie.” Just about anything is better compared to this; this movie actually makes “A Twist in Time” look like “Beauty and the Beast.”
This movie is not bad. This movie is abysmal. This is the single worst animated film in existence[/u]. It is unspeakable. Everything from the acting to the animation, from the backgrounds to the pacing, everything in this film is poor at best and unbearable at worst. This film is absolute garbage; the singular most disgusting and vile ‘film’ to be given the traditionally animated treatment.
I still think that the concept of an animated musical based on Titanic is not a bad one, but, crikey, did they screw up here. American novelist Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. once stated that every bad film deserves some respect. I strongly disagree in this case; the mere fact that Kurt said that in defense of films such as this makes me glad that hack writer is dead.
Yes, I am so angry right now. This movie, “Titanic: The Animated Movie,” is the devil. It’s pure sin to watch.
That’s enough. I’m done. I can’t talk about this any longer. I saw this film because I was curious, and now I can safely say that “curiosity killed the cat” is a statement we must all take dearly. Do not watch this film, unless you’re willing to live with hollowness for the rest of eternity—hollowness in your heart that will forever remind you of an animated disaster called “Titanic: The Legend goes on…”
I award this film a whopping 0 out of four stars. 0 out of ****. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Nothing. I can’t even think of anything good to say about this film; everything sucks majorly, and it's shamelessly unoriginal and derivative. That’s why this film gets nothing.
It almost makes one wonder if a feature-length “Titey” would have fared better? Either way, let's hope that the very few Titanic survivors still living will never watch this film.
Whoever did this deserves a great, big hug.
I would uh...rather sit through BOTH Ariels Beginning and Return to the Sea, sitting on a bed of hot coals with my eyelids taped open, and rabid wolverines attached to both arms, than watch this piece of ship [expletive deleted]. ^^;
