Post by Alice on Feb 14, 2009 0:30:02 GMT -8
Ahh, yes. Valentine's Day. A day of secret admirers summoning up courage. A day of chocolates, and those little heart-shaped candy with "BE MINE" and the lot written on them. A holiday many claim to be created by a card company, and is a total joke.
A day of this guy!
Weegee: "Hey, kids! It's Harry Warden!"
I hope you're paying attention, Kris, because I'm about to review a Canadian film! And a remake of said Canadian film, which I'm pretty sure isn't Canadian. Eh?
I am reviewing the slasher classic, "My Bloody Valentine" (1981), as well as the 2009 remake, "My Bloody Valentine 3D." Oooooh!
I was also going to review the new "Friday the 13th" remake tonight, but snow has prevented me from driving. No worries; I am never bummed to delay a Michael Bay film.
Enough chit chatter. Let's begin, love birds, with the original "Valentine!"
My Blind, Rated R?
This review has spoilers. If you'd rather not be spoiled, don't read!
"My Bloody Valentine" was released in 1981, cashing in on the slasher craze that started with "Halloween," and followed with "Friday the 13th." Alas, the biggest murder in "My Bloody Valentine" was a large chunk of the film reel; several minutes ended up on the cutting room floor, because the ever hypocritical Paramount Pictures intervened. "Even though we distributed a bloody 'Friday the 13th,'" they probably said, "we are going to edit 'Valentine.' Sorry. We'll make up for it with Nickelodeon movies!"
Oh, thank you, Paramount.
It is unfortunate that "My Bloody Valentine" was meddled, because it really does stand out from the typical slasher selection. Sure, some of the action is horrendous and it's very similar to others in the genre, but 1) there is zero nudity save for a dummy used as a corpse, therefore combatting the so-called "nudity requirement"; 2) the atmosphere is unique and delightful; and 3) unedited, the death scenes are gruesome and inventive.
The film opens with a decidedly kinky scene, where two miners descend a Canadian mine and find a seclusive area. One of the miners takes off its clothes and reveals female undies [!]. Now that the film has the attention of every male watching, we all watch as the kinda attractive woman caresses the other miner, who keeps his mask on. The other miner seems to enjoy it, until he sees a heart tattoo on his date. He begins to breath harshly, and he shoves the woman into his pick-axe on the wall, impaling her and causing her death. Title screen follows!
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to love we go!
We cut forward to Thursday, February 12th, in a Canadian mine in Valentine Bluffs. A group of miners finish their shift, and they happily trot off to the town after showering. It is here we are introduced to the film's characters. One of them is an extremely ugly man named Tom. He also happens to be the main protagonist.
He makes Arch Hall, Jr. look like a young Sean Connery. Eugh. I'm no looker myself, but this guy is quite possibly the ugliest protagonist in a slasher film.
The ugly man's name is TJ (I think the T stands for Tom). He is a Valentine Bluffs native, and used to be the loving boyfriend of a blonde named Sarah. Bu then one day, TJ left his girl--he left his girl behind he. And now he's lost, so gone and lost, not even God can find he. (A prize goes to anyone who correctly guesses where those lyrics come from!) That's right, TJ ditched Sarah and Valentine Bluffs for presumably ugly reasons (I slay myself!). Wouldn't you know it, Sarah somehow moved on, and hooked up with the more attractive Axel.
"We belong to a mutual admiration society, my baby and me..."
So, does TJ recognize that it is his fault that Sarah is with another man, and he accepts this fact with dignity and moves on with his own life?
"NO?"
Of course not! TJ becomes a stalker, but more on that later. Valentine Bluffs hasn't had a Valentine dance in twenty years, but it's putting on a hootenanny this year! The Mayor, by coincidence TJ's father, is all happy with the motherly Mabel and the town Sheriff. The Mayor receives a heart box with a note that reads as follows: "From the heart comes a warning filled with bloody good cheer/Remember what happened as the 14th draws near." Before you can say "hacked writing," the Mayor realizes that there is a heart in the box. Literally. A human heart, not the candy with lame sentiments written on them.
At a bar called The Cage, the old, kooky bartender reminisces about something that happened twenty years ago. Something not very nice. At the Union Hall twenty years prior there was an annual Valentine's Day dance. All attended, save for seven miners who worked at the Henniger Mine. Two of the miners, supervisors to be exact, carelessly left the remaining five. The kicker: the supervisors forgot to check the methane gas levels, and eventually an explosive event happened (heh). The five miners were buried, yet the party continued. After six weeks of digging, only one man was found alive: Harry Warden.
This reminds me of a scene from Phenomena/Creepers!
Harry Warden was stark raving mad when he was found; he even went so far as to eat the corpses of the other miners. Fairly hardcore. He was sent to the state mental hospital, but he escaped exactly one year later, V-DAY. He returned to Valentine Bluffs and killed the two foolish supervisors. To add worms to the corpse, he tore out their hearts and shoved them in heart boxes. The blood-drenched boxes were found at the dance, along with a note, a warning from Harry Warden: never hold a Valentine's Day dance ever again.
The old kook, who in all honesty reminds me very much of Crazy Ralph from "Friday the 13th," repeatedly warns the youths, but his warnings fall on deaf ears. Harry Warden, the young men and ladies decide, is just an old wives' tale.
TJ desperately tries to win Sarah's heart, but Sarah is initially hesitant. Sarah, who is actually the worst actress in the movie (but still hot), is understandably angry that TJ left without a warning, and yet comes back a long while later and expects things to be the same. Go, Sarah! Wait, Sarah ultimately succumbs to kissing TJ. Boo, Sarah! Axel soon catches onto this, and he's none too happy.
About Sarah being a bad actress, maybe it's intentional. This film is very campy, after all!
"I need you, Sarah... I need you, because I'd at least have something handsome in my life!
The Mayor and the Sheriff take the heart they were given to an autopsy guy (forgive me; I don't know the proper term), who deduces that Harry Warden is back in town, even though Harry was supposedly caught and locked up. The duo try to contact Harry's prison/asylum, but they are informed that Harry is not present, and there is no record of him ever being there. COULD IT BE...?!
If you thought Grumpy was the surliest miner, you don't know Harry Warden! He stalks Mabel at a laundromat, leaves her a note, and waits for her to discover it and read it aloud. "Roses are read, violets are blue/One is dead, and so are you!" Harry pops out and corners Mabel. She falls to the floor, he holds up his pick-axe and--
We can all guess what happened to Mabel, eh? She is discovered the following morning by Sheriff, in a dryer. Her corpse looks just like, shall we say, a female Freddy Krueger. Her heart, too, has been torn out.
Because of the murders going on, the Mayor and Sheriff have decided to cancel the dance, though Sheriff orders that Harry Warden not be mentioned at all, as to not start a panic.
The old coot is furious that the brats ignore him, so he breaks into the mine's entrance and sets up a Harry Warden door dummy, which raises a pick-axe whenever the door is opened. He chuckles at his own creation, but when he opens the door a final time, he finds the real Harry. The last thing that goes through the old man's head (literally) is a pick-axe, which also takes out an eye. Very, very gory. I love it.
Since the party is canceled, the miners and their girlfriends ultimately decide to hold a secret (and illegal!) party in the Henniger Mine complex.. By the by, TJ's portly friend, Hollis. Hollis, I think, looks very much like a human, live-action Monterrey Jack. I'm serious!
Check out the moustached stud, and compare him with Jack. Blimey!
Also, why is Sarah (the blonde) looking at me seductively? Sheesh, you really are a tramp!
You know what's really interesting? In this film Valentine's Day is on a Saturday. JUST LIKE THIS YEAR, 2009!! Totally trippy!
During the party, Hollis and Howard (also pictured above, the one with the curls) are swayed by Sarah and Patty (also pictured, the brunette) to descend into the mines for a tour. A couple joins them, as well, until they hide themselves in a secluded room to, what else, 'have fun!'
In the kitchen, a lone dude reaches his boiling point, when Harry comes from the shadows and shoves said dude's face into a pot of boiling water. His face has nasty blisters, and he drowns in scalding-hot water. Ouch.
In the dressing rooms, a couple plans on 'having fun,' and the guy leaves to get more beer. Alone, the girl is harassed by clothes that drop from the ceiling before Harry picks her up and impales her head with a shower head, and she becomes the most desired shower in history. This is my favorite murder in the film... which says a lot about me.
The bodies on ground floor are eventually discovered, and the party erupts in hysteria. TJ finds Axel (who was gone for a little bit) and the two set their violent differences aside and descend the mines to retrieve their separated friends.
Hollis had acted as a tour guide for Sarah and Patty (Howard is just a goof), and they meet up with TJ. TJ informs his friends that Harry Warden is dead, and already killed two people. Bummer! Guess they should have listened to the old coot, huh? (Axel is presumably lost, looking for the others elsewhere.) TJ goes to search for the couple down one tunnel, and Holli takes the other tunnel.
Hollis goes to find the couple that left the tour, and finds that they had been murdered together. Before Hollis can react, though, Harry Warden uses a nail gun to shoot nails into the moustached stud's head. Hollis manages to reach the others before collapses to the ground and dies.
Patty is shocked beyond the capacity for rational thought, and wishes to remain with her dead lover (she was Hollis's G/F). Howard goes missing, Axel finds Sarah and Patty, and the three trek through the tunnels, eventually reuniting with TJ. They go to the elevator, but it's been vandalized by Harry.
On the earth's surface, Sheriff arrives after being informed by some of the party's attendees that Harry Warden is back, and madder than Hannah in a "Whole New World" singing contest. He, too, realizes that the elevator is vandalized, and really has nothing to do but to wait for his backup to arrive.
TJ, Axel, Sarah and Patty try climbing up a ladder to the surface, but they descend once more after Howard's corpse drops from a rope, and its head snaps off from its body. The head falls down, hits the ground, and shatters into many pieces like a porcelain doll. Just kidding! That's only in "The Company of Wolves." Ha, ha!
The foursome strive to find another way out, even going by a dangerous water zone. Axel falls behind and falls into a water whose depth reaches 60 feet. Did Harry Warden do this? Most definitely. TJ, Sarah and Patty press on. We all know TJ is happy to see Axel gone, because this would mean that he can have a better chance with winning back Sarah's heart. Ah, TJ rears his ugly head.
TJ instructs the girls to hug the left side of the wall and keep on moving. While he's obviously separating himself to take on Harry, this is nevertheless a really stupid plan. Sure enough, Patty is killed by an intruding Warden, leaving only Sarah. After witnessing Patty's murder, and acknowledging that she is now Harry's target, Sarah... walks cautiously. [?]
TJ comes to the rescue and commences an epic fight with Harry (including a mine cart train). During the struggle, Sarah manages to unmask Harry Warden and find... NOT Harry Warden?!?!
It's Axel! FASP! As it turns out, Axel was present when his father, who happened to be one of the supervisors, and therefore witnessed said father's gruesome murder. This had an impact on Axel, to say the least, to the point where he disguised himself as Harry Warden. Axel is defeated when rubble collapses on him, leaving TJ and Sarah safe.
Sheriff, the Mayor and the backup arrive. Before they entered the mines, they received information on Harry Warden: he died, and has been dead for a few years. The 'Harry Warden,' therefore, is Axel.
The rubble is removed and Axel's arm is found... but with no body. Axel, now completely batcrap insane, had severed his arm and slowly retreats into the mine, separated from justice by the rubble. He howls with laughter, taunting TJ, and beckons Sarah to be his bloody valentine.
Cue the end credits with a somber ballad about Harry Warden, sung by a guy who kinda sounds like Paul Williams. The End!
This movie is very goofy. It's very campy. It has some usual suspects in terms of stereotypes, some bad (maybe intentionally?) acting, and some ludicrous moments of stupidity from the aforementioned characters.
This movie is also an awesome slasher. It's the tried and true slasher mostly set in a mine, which creates a truly wonderful atmosphere and dreary, macabre situations. The death scenes, unedited, are extremely violet and gut-wrenching, and even with the theatrical edit the film has gathered a loyal cult following (this film is Quentin Tarantino's favorite slasher).
In my opinion, "My Bloody Valentine" is a more complete film than "Friday the 13th." While this film shares many similarities, the antagonist is truly scary (a miner get-up with loud breathing is far more intimidating than a hammy Betsy Palmer), the aforementioned location is superb, and the film itself is of overall superior quality. It's probably campier/goofier than "Friday," but if taken for what it is, "My Bloody Valentine" is great fun, and an under-appreciated slasher.
Fun fact: the actor who played Axel, Neil Affleck, later became an animator, and worked on The Simpsons.
Be mine? <3
*** out of ****.
Seriously. Could this guy get any uglier?
Now, read below for my review of the remake!
A day of this guy!
Weegee: "Hey, kids! It's Harry Warden!"
I hope you're paying attention, Kris, because I'm about to review a Canadian film! And a remake of said Canadian film, which I'm pretty sure isn't Canadian. Eh?
I am reviewing the slasher classic, "My Bloody Valentine" (1981), as well as the 2009 remake, "My Bloody Valentine 3D." Oooooh!
I was also going to review the new "Friday the 13th" remake tonight, but snow has prevented me from driving. No worries; I am never bummed to delay a Michael Bay film.
Enough chit chatter. Let's begin, love birds, with the original "Valentine!"
My Blind, Rated R?
This review has spoilers. If you'd rather not be spoiled, don't read!
"My Bloody Valentine" was released in 1981, cashing in on the slasher craze that started with "Halloween," and followed with "Friday the 13th." Alas, the biggest murder in "My Bloody Valentine" was a large chunk of the film reel; several minutes ended up on the cutting room floor, because the ever hypocritical Paramount Pictures intervened. "Even though we distributed a bloody 'Friday the 13th,'" they probably said, "we are going to edit 'Valentine.' Sorry. We'll make up for it with Nickelodeon movies!"
Oh, thank you, Paramount.
It is unfortunate that "My Bloody Valentine" was meddled, because it really does stand out from the typical slasher selection. Sure, some of the action is horrendous and it's very similar to others in the genre, but 1) there is zero nudity save for a dummy used as a corpse, therefore combatting the so-called "nudity requirement"; 2) the atmosphere is unique and delightful; and 3) unedited, the death scenes are gruesome and inventive.
The film opens with a decidedly kinky scene, where two miners descend a Canadian mine and find a seclusive area. One of the miners takes off its clothes and reveals female undies [!]. Now that the film has the attention of every male watching, we all watch as the kinda attractive woman caresses the other miner, who keeps his mask on. The other miner seems to enjoy it, until he sees a heart tattoo on his date. He begins to breath harshly, and he shoves the woman into his pick-axe on the wall, impaling her and causing her death. Title screen follows!
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it's off to love we go!
We cut forward to Thursday, February 12th, in a Canadian mine in Valentine Bluffs. A group of miners finish their shift, and they happily trot off to the town after showering. It is here we are introduced to the film's characters. One of them is an extremely ugly man named Tom. He also happens to be the main protagonist.
He makes Arch Hall, Jr. look like a young Sean Connery. Eugh. I'm no looker myself, but this guy is quite possibly the ugliest protagonist in a slasher film.
The ugly man's name is TJ (I think the T stands for Tom). He is a Valentine Bluffs native, and used to be the loving boyfriend of a blonde named Sarah. Bu then one day, TJ left his girl--he left his girl behind he. And now he's lost, so gone and lost, not even God can find he. (A prize goes to anyone who correctly guesses where those lyrics come from!) That's right, TJ ditched Sarah and Valentine Bluffs for presumably ugly reasons (I slay myself!). Wouldn't you know it, Sarah somehow moved on, and hooked up with the more attractive Axel.
"We belong to a mutual admiration society, my baby and me..."
So, does TJ recognize that it is his fault that Sarah is with another man, and he accepts this fact with dignity and moves on with his own life?
"NO?"
Of course not! TJ becomes a stalker, but more on that later. Valentine Bluffs hasn't had a Valentine dance in twenty years, but it's putting on a hootenanny this year! The Mayor, by coincidence TJ's father, is all happy with the motherly Mabel and the town Sheriff. The Mayor receives a heart box with a note that reads as follows: "From the heart comes a warning filled with bloody good cheer/Remember what happened as the 14th draws near." Before you can say "hacked writing," the Mayor realizes that there is a heart in the box. Literally. A human heart, not the candy with lame sentiments written on them.
At a bar called The Cage, the old, kooky bartender reminisces about something that happened twenty years ago. Something not very nice. At the Union Hall twenty years prior there was an annual Valentine's Day dance. All attended, save for seven miners who worked at the Henniger Mine. Two of the miners, supervisors to be exact, carelessly left the remaining five. The kicker: the supervisors forgot to check the methane gas levels, and eventually an explosive event happened (heh). The five miners were buried, yet the party continued. After six weeks of digging, only one man was found alive: Harry Warden.
This reminds me of a scene from Phenomena/Creepers!
Harry Warden was stark raving mad when he was found; he even went so far as to eat the corpses of the other miners. Fairly hardcore. He was sent to the state mental hospital, but he escaped exactly one year later, V-DAY. He returned to Valentine Bluffs and killed the two foolish supervisors. To add worms to the corpse, he tore out their hearts and shoved them in heart boxes. The blood-drenched boxes were found at the dance, along with a note, a warning from Harry Warden: never hold a Valentine's Day dance ever again.
The old kook, who in all honesty reminds me very much of Crazy Ralph from "Friday the 13th," repeatedly warns the youths, but his warnings fall on deaf ears. Harry Warden, the young men and ladies decide, is just an old wives' tale.
TJ desperately tries to win Sarah's heart, but Sarah is initially hesitant. Sarah, who is actually the worst actress in the movie (but still hot), is understandably angry that TJ left without a warning, and yet comes back a long while later and expects things to be the same. Go, Sarah! Wait, Sarah ultimately succumbs to kissing TJ. Boo, Sarah! Axel soon catches onto this, and he's none too happy.
About Sarah being a bad actress, maybe it's intentional. This film is very campy, after all!
"I need you, Sarah... I need you, because I'd at least have something handsome in my life!
The Mayor and the Sheriff take the heart they were given to an autopsy guy (forgive me; I don't know the proper term), who deduces that Harry Warden is back in town, even though Harry was supposedly caught and locked up. The duo try to contact Harry's prison/asylum, but they are informed that Harry is not present, and there is no record of him ever being there. COULD IT BE...?!
If you thought Grumpy was the surliest miner, you don't know Harry Warden! He stalks Mabel at a laundromat, leaves her a note, and waits for her to discover it and read it aloud. "Roses are read, violets are blue/One is dead, and so are you!" Harry pops out and corners Mabel. She falls to the floor, he holds up his pick-axe and--
"My Bloody Valentine Review" will be right back after these messages!
And now, back to our show!
And now, back to our show!
We can all guess what happened to Mabel, eh? She is discovered the following morning by Sheriff, in a dryer. Her corpse looks just like, shall we say, a female Freddy Krueger. Her heart, too, has been torn out.
Because of the murders going on, the Mayor and Sheriff have decided to cancel the dance, though Sheriff orders that Harry Warden not be mentioned at all, as to not start a panic.
The old coot is furious that the brats ignore him, so he breaks into the mine's entrance and sets up a Harry Warden door dummy, which raises a pick-axe whenever the door is opened. He chuckles at his own creation, but when he opens the door a final time, he finds the real Harry. The last thing that goes through the old man's head (literally) is a pick-axe, which also takes out an eye. Very, very gory. I love it.
Since the party is canceled, the miners and their girlfriends ultimately decide to hold a secret (and illegal!) party in the Henniger Mine complex.. By the by, TJ's portly friend, Hollis. Hollis, I think, looks very much like a human, live-action Monterrey Jack. I'm serious!
Check out the moustached stud, and compare him with Jack. Blimey!
Also, why is Sarah (the blonde) looking at me seductively? Sheesh, you really are a tramp!
You know what's really interesting? In this film Valentine's Day is on a Saturday. JUST LIKE THIS YEAR, 2009!! Totally trippy!
During the party, Hollis and Howard (also pictured above, the one with the curls) are swayed by Sarah and Patty (also pictured, the brunette) to descend into the mines for a tour. A couple joins them, as well, until they hide themselves in a secluded room to, what else, 'have fun!'
In the kitchen, a lone dude reaches his boiling point, when Harry comes from the shadows and shoves said dude's face into a pot of boiling water. His face has nasty blisters, and he drowns in scalding-hot water. Ouch.
In the dressing rooms, a couple plans on 'having fun,' and the guy leaves to get more beer. Alone, the girl is harassed by clothes that drop from the ceiling before Harry picks her up and impales her head with a shower head, and she becomes the most desired shower in history. This is my favorite murder in the film... which says a lot about me.
The bodies on ground floor are eventually discovered, and the party erupts in hysteria. TJ finds Axel (who was gone for a little bit) and the two set their violent differences aside and descend the mines to retrieve their separated friends.
Hollis had acted as a tour guide for Sarah and Patty (Howard is just a goof), and they meet up with TJ. TJ informs his friends that Harry Warden is dead, and already killed two people. Bummer! Guess they should have listened to the old coot, huh? (Axel is presumably lost, looking for the others elsewhere.) TJ goes to search for the couple down one tunnel, and Holli takes the other tunnel.
Hollis goes to find the couple that left the tour, and finds that they had been murdered together. Before Hollis can react, though, Harry Warden uses a nail gun to shoot nails into the moustached stud's head. Hollis manages to reach the others before collapses to the ground and dies.
Patty is shocked beyond the capacity for rational thought, and wishes to remain with her dead lover (she was Hollis's G/F). Howard goes missing, Axel finds Sarah and Patty, and the three trek through the tunnels, eventually reuniting with TJ. They go to the elevator, but it's been vandalized by Harry.
On the earth's surface, Sheriff arrives after being informed by some of the party's attendees that Harry Warden is back, and madder than Hannah in a "Whole New World" singing contest. He, too, realizes that the elevator is vandalized, and really has nothing to do but to wait for his backup to arrive.
TJ, Axel, Sarah and Patty try climbing up a ladder to the surface, but they descend once more after Howard's corpse drops from a rope, and its head snaps off from its body. The head falls down, hits the ground, and shatters into many pieces like a porcelain doll. Just kidding! That's only in "The Company of Wolves." Ha, ha!
The foursome strive to find another way out, even going by a dangerous water zone. Axel falls behind and falls into a water whose depth reaches 60 feet. Did Harry Warden do this? Most definitely. TJ, Sarah and Patty press on. We all know TJ is happy to see Axel gone, because this would mean that he can have a better chance with winning back Sarah's heart. Ah, TJ rears his ugly head.
TJ instructs the girls to hug the left side of the wall and keep on moving. While he's obviously separating himself to take on Harry, this is nevertheless a really stupid plan. Sure enough, Patty is killed by an intruding Warden, leaving only Sarah. After witnessing Patty's murder, and acknowledging that she is now Harry's target, Sarah... walks cautiously. [?]
TJ comes to the rescue and commences an epic fight with Harry (including a mine cart train). During the struggle, Sarah manages to unmask Harry Warden and find... NOT Harry Warden?!?!
It's Axel! FASP! As it turns out, Axel was present when his father, who happened to be one of the supervisors, and therefore witnessed said father's gruesome murder. This had an impact on Axel, to say the least, to the point where he disguised himself as Harry Warden. Axel is defeated when rubble collapses on him, leaving TJ and Sarah safe.
Sheriff, the Mayor and the backup arrive. Before they entered the mines, they received information on Harry Warden: he died, and has been dead for a few years. The 'Harry Warden,' therefore, is Axel.
The rubble is removed and Axel's arm is found... but with no body. Axel, now completely batcrap insane, had severed his arm and slowly retreats into the mine, separated from justice by the rubble. He howls with laughter, taunting TJ, and beckons Sarah to be his bloody valentine.
Cue the end credits with a somber ballad about Harry Warden, sung by a guy who kinda sounds like Paul Williams. The End!
This movie is very goofy. It's very campy. It has some usual suspects in terms of stereotypes, some bad (maybe intentionally?) acting, and some ludicrous moments of stupidity from the aforementioned characters.
This movie is also an awesome slasher. It's the tried and true slasher mostly set in a mine, which creates a truly wonderful atmosphere and dreary, macabre situations. The death scenes, unedited, are extremely violet and gut-wrenching, and even with the theatrical edit the film has gathered a loyal cult following (this film is Quentin Tarantino's favorite slasher).
In my opinion, "My Bloody Valentine" is a more complete film than "Friday the 13th." While this film shares many similarities, the antagonist is truly scary (a miner get-up with loud breathing is far more intimidating than a hammy Betsy Palmer), the aforementioned location is superb, and the film itself is of overall superior quality. It's probably campier/goofier than "Friday," but if taken for what it is, "My Bloody Valentine" is great fun, and an under-appreciated slasher.
Fun fact: the actor who played Axel, Neil Affleck, later became an animator, and worked on The Simpsons.
Be mine? <3
*** out of ****.
Seriously. Could this guy get any uglier?
Now, read below for my review of the remake!
