Post by Alice on Mar 20, 2009 3:28:07 GMT -8
This might come as a great shock to all of you, but the truth is I am a huge fan of Alice.
I know. It's unbelievable.
Seriously, though. I love Alice, to the point of fetishism! Not only is Disney's "Alice in Wonderland" one of my all-time favorite movies, but the original Alice books are my favorite books ever. Goodness!
It's been a lifelong fascination, and since I adore Lewis Carroll's Alice stories so much I have seen countless adaptations and variations of the books. Because the books are now in public domain (or so I have read), it is very easy to film and sell your own version of the stories. Unfortunately, this has led to some very lame adaptations.
This review focuses on one such lame adaptation!
Before I begin, though, I feel that I should clarify something for those who aren't terribly familiar with the original Alice books. Although many adaptations feature a large arsenal of characters from the stories, the truth is that these films combine the two official Alice books: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (1865) and Through the Looking-Glass, and What Alice Found There (1871). The first book contains the very famous storyline: Alice follows the white rabbit into Wonderland, and meets the Dodo, the Mad Hatter and March Hare, the Caterpillar, the Cheshire Cat, and the Queen of Hearts, among other characters not seen in the Disney film. However, it is the second book that contains some important characters, such as the garden of live flowers, Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee (and by extension the Walrus and the Carpenter), and more un-Disneyfied characters. Also, Looking-Glass is the book with the Jabberwock poem.
The point I'm trying to make is that the vast majority of adaptations of the Alice stories, including the Disney film, combines the two books. Through the Looking-Glass actually has a different story altogether, and it's more of a headache-inducing mindtrip than the first book (but it's awesome that way!). Yet, despite this there are some adaptions that focuses on the second book alone. The film I am about to review focuses on the second book. Normally this should be a good thing, but... eh, you'll see.
This televised animated film, "Alice Through the Looking Glass" (1987), begins with a very intense snowstorm outside of some country home. This is where we encounter the film's first glaring problem.
Oh, boy. Here we go. What's wrong with this picture? Well, if you're as big of an Alice fan as I am (or bigger), it should be obvious.
"Carroll! It's CAR-ROLL! Two R's, two L's!"
Sadly, even Disney is guilty of misspelling the author's name!
Alice: "Goodness! That's pretty damn embarrassing!"
But, hey, Disney's film is awesome despite this misspelling, so maybe "Looking-Glass" will be good. That's what I hoped was the case.
A window's shutters acts as a credits presenter, which reminds me a bit of how the credits were displayed in the classic Popeye cartoons. When we actually get to see Alice herself, it's evident that this does not take place in the 'Carrollian' universe. In fact, this takes place in then-present day, 1987. Alice wears pseudo-contemporary clothing, and the tightest jeans this side of the Thames. Seriously! They are tight. They are so tight, that thinking about wearing jeans that tight cuts off my legs' circulation. Yowza!
In this film, the titular heroine is voiced by Janet Waldo, who is known best as the original voice of Judy Jetson and Penelope Pitstop. I have nothing against Ms. Waldo, I pretty much highly respect her, but... she was 63 at the time this movie was made. Was it really necessary to have a woman in her 60's voicing a much, much younger girl? Ah, well.
Alice is bummed that she can't go outside to play. Damn you, snow! Alice's dad walks in. Besides having Inspector Gadget's nose, Daddy informs Alice that he is going to a neighbor's house to assist a woman giving birth.
... For some reason, this seems like a bizarre choice of a plot for an animated kids' film, but okay.
Before Daddy leaves, he and his daughter have a dialogue exchange.
Alice: "I hope the baby's a girl!"
Daddy: "And I hope you didn't jinx me; I promised a boy!"
What are you, Alice, a sexist? "I hope a stranger's baby is a specific gender just because of my personal biased views!" Criminy! I'm not five minutes in this film, and already I dislike the leading character! What a selfish hussy.
So Alice is left all alone, and she fantasizes about being a queen. I bet you would like to be a queen, you gender-choosing tramp. Actually, this is where the film starts to reflect the original book (Alice initially longed to be a queen). Alice rattles on about what she'd do if she was a queen, and in all honesty it's a bit difficult to take her seriously when 1) she is voiced by a woman whose sixty-ish voice is trying to sound youthful, and 2) she is wearing pants tighter than Susan Stroman's choreography.
She looks at her looking glass and sees that it serves as a gateway to another land. Then we dive into the film's first song! With forgettable lyrics, animation just as stiff and robotic as the rest of the film and an unmemorable melody, this song expresses beyond words that this film is going to hurt.
After the song, Alice meets a very garishly attired magician/jester, Tom Fool (ha, pun). Tom Fool, voiced by Townsend Coleman, instructs Alice how to find her way around Looking Glass Land, and that "nothing is impossible." He instructs this by singing! Oh, boy! And this song is awesome! Just copy and paste this link in either a web browser or with Windows Media Player. www.freewebs.com/fantasmickingdom/Nothing%20Is%20impossible.mp3
WOW! That was a great song, wasn't it?! Yeah. The movie is full of classic tunes such as this. Imagine my delight.
"Like, zoinks! After Scoob and the gang left me, I became a hack jester! HA HA HA! Please, like, kill me."
In order for Alice to become a queen, she has to make it to square eight (chess, anyone?), and can only begin by having permission from the White Queen. Each square has its gimmicks. Tom Fool takes Alice to said Queen (voiced by Phyllis Diller, whom some of us know best as the voice of the Queen from "a bug's life"). The Queen demands Tom Fool to entertain her, so he transforms into various old-time celebrities, including the Marx Brothers. Because every kid will know who Groucho Marx was! (That isn't mean to diss the Marxes; I love them!)
"My name is Alice, Your Highness, and I offer you really, really tight pants!"
Seriously, though. With Alice posing like that, I really, really feel like I shouldn't be watching this...
The Queen grants Alice her permission, and Tom Fool takes Alice to the entrance of square two. He then asks her a question.
Tom Fool: "Suppose you become a queen. Do you know how to act like a queen?"
Alice: "I hope so."
If being a queen consists of saying who will be born girls and who will be born boys, then Alice has it in her pocket. Hyuck! But wait! Tom Fool and Alice sing about being a queen. Gosh, these songs make Howard Ashman and Alan Menken look like... hacks. Yeah. These songs are that good. But wait a minute--how would Tom Fool know how to be a queen? Herm, okay.
So Alice begins her journey. In the second square, Alice and Tom Fool encounter 'bees,' which are really flying elephants. For some reason this reminds me a lot of Winnie the Pooh.
I can't help but find this inexplicably suggestive.
Then Alice and Tom Fool meet some unicorns and African-American-Centaur-Things. Tom Fool gives a high five to one such centaur, and said centaur exclaims, "It's cool!" This is mildly awkward. After Alice strides the centaur and beckons with "Giddyap," the centaur replies, "Are you for real?" Again, this is mildly awkward.
The centaur eventually gives up, though, and abandons Tom Fool and Alice. Tom Fool then summons Pegasus with a Tarzan yell [!] and as said flying horse arrives, Alice exclaims, "It's a bird! It's a plane!"
Hang on, I need to get something stronger to drink.
Alice arrives at the gate of square three, and boards a train that takes her to a waterless river steamboat that drops her off at the entrance at the fourth square. At this square, Alice meets Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum (voiced by Jonathan Winters), who are.... tremendously boring. They sing a song that is so lame and forgettable that it comes back to being a masterpiece. The Tweedles lead Alice to square five and... oh, man.
In the fifth square resides Humpty Dumpty, but he's not the Humpty Dumpty we all know. Nope. In this movie, he is a dinosaur egg with fanged incisors and reptilian legs and a tail! [!!!]
This is an eggscellent character design, isn't it? Ho, ho!
The best part about this scene, though, is that Humpty Dumpty sings a song about not trying too hard. Seriously. This is probably the only animated film that advises, "If you don't make it, don't try to fake it." Such food for thought! Again, copypasta this link into something that would play such a sweeping ballad. www.freewebs.com/fantasmickingdom/Be%20Who%20You%20Are.mp3 Seriously, the synthesized instrumentation isn't annoying at all. Nope. Not at all.
Humpty Dumpty and Alice stroll along Easter Egg Island (ugh), full of giant dinosaur eggs waiting to be hatched. Humpty has painted all of them, and we are unfortunately subject to a line from the beginning of the film.
Alice: "I hope this one is a girl!"
Humpty Dumpty: "And I hope you didn't jinx it; I sort of figured on a boy."
What the hell is up with you, Alice? Why are you like this? What if the mother and father dinosaurs wanted a boy? Who the crap are you to wish for genders? You know, I really hate you. I wish you were never born. I hope you die. You are an evil tramp and I want your face smashed into jelly by... uh...
Who the hell are these guys? After Alice enters square six, she steps on a bridge that is soon attacked by green goblin things. Hm, interesting. These goblins are ultimately chased away by Scrooge McDuck. I mean, the White Knight. I just immediately thought "Scrooge McDuck" because he is voiced by Scrooge McDuck. That's right; the White Knight is voiced by Alan Young himself. As much as I love the voice, though, he couldn't possibly save this film.
Actually, the White Knight makes the film even worse! Oh, sweet irony: in my opinion, the White Knight is the single greatest supporting character in the Alice stories, and yet in this film he is a blithering coward who couldn't care less if Alice was killed, just as long as his own health was well. While I personally want Alice to die for being such a blatant sexist, that's no excuse. A knight should be noble and dignified. You fail, Young Knight.
The White Knight abandons Alice after they are attacked by flying minute dragon things, and she is stalked by giant gila monsters, jolly green giants, and Tom Fool. Wait, Tom Fool just showed up. Great. With Tom Fool, Alice enters square seven, Jabberwock territory. "We can't stop here! This is Jabberwock Country!"
The poem "Jabberwocky" has always been awesome, so maybe this film will do him justice.
OH. MY. GOD.
Should I even continue this review? Should I even bother pressing on? There's no way I can recover from this sour spot! To add salt to the wound, the Jabberwock is voiced by Mr. T! "I'm the Jabberwock, and I'm MEEEEAAAAAAAAN!"
After nearly dying of laughter, I continue. But wait! The Jabberwock is assisted by the Bandersnatch, who looks like Trogdor, and the Sneak, who kinda looks like a mix of Adolf Hitler and Fergie Furbelow from "Jetsons: The Movie." What the hell? I didn't take this movie seriously before, but now I can't even take it lightly; I can't take this at all!
The worst thing, though, is that they start singing a song, and it's coincidentally the worst song in this whole movie! Yowza, this is unbearable.
TROGDOOOOOOOR!!!'s humble origins.
A trap set up by the Jabberwock and his party of failure does not succeed, and Alice and her Fool arrive at the final square, to the Red Queen. The Red Queen is not at all happy to crown Alice, and she along with her guards give chase. Mr. T, Trogdor and Furry McBluerson join along with the chase. Alice and Tom Fool, whose magic has run out, all run back towards the mirror, passing along every major location. As everyone runs past Humpty Dumpty, the egg says, "Hm. Must be a new pizza joint opening or something."
... HA HA HA. IT'S FUNNY.
They run all the way back to the looking glass. Tom Fool and Alice kiss [!], and Alice walks backwards, back into her reality. It was a dream. All righty. Daddy comes home, and Alice begins telling him about her dream. The movie ends with Alice asking, "Was it really a dream?"
We are unsure if Alice really did jinx, and the baby born was a girl. If this was the case, then Alice is evil. The dumb broad. At least this movie tried to focus on Through the Looking Glass, instead of focusing on the first Alice book, but alas this determination was all in vain.
Well, the one redeeming factor about this movie is the backgrounds. They are nice and colorful. Everything, though, is completely lacking. The only animation that amused me was during Tom Fool's "Nothing is Impossible" song, but only when he transformed into numerous colorful objects. The rest of the animation is stiff, robotic and mediocre. The godawful songs are the final nail in the coffin.
I award this film * out of ****. But, hey, it could be worse. It could be "Titanic: The Animated Movie."
