Movie Review - Cinderella III: A Twist in Time

[Alice]

NOTE: This is a review from February 2007, when this movie was released. This review used to be exclusive to the Encyclopedia, but because reviews are now posted here, I've decided to take it down and bring it here. Of course, it wasn't until now that is was brought here, but no time like the present!

This was probably the first review I have written in my style, so it probably has some rough edges. Still, to those of you who haven't read this yet, I hope you'll enjoy!

A common belief is that I am a nice guy. Unfortunately, this could not be further from the truth. Truthfully, I am a mean, negative jerk. The logic underlining this conclusion is simple: I hate a lot of things with an inhuman passion. I hate spiders. I hate Indian food. I hate "Friends" (the TV series). I hate that feeling when I wake up, take a big yawn, and then feel like I’m going to throw up. I hate math. And I hate 98% of all Disney sequels ever released. To further prove that I am mean, I am not going to spare anyone’s feelings: I frown upon people who think highly of sequels in general. I shake my head and sigh at people who’ve memorized the lyrics of atrocious songs from equally atrocious sequels. And don’t even get me started on how many sequels I’ve been forced to sit down and watch because my mom has a morbid curiosity. “Holocausts on tape” is what I call Disney sequels. Don’t believe me when I say sequels give Disney a bad name? Take a look at every role-players’ “least favorite Disney films” list in their Encyclopedia entries: almost every single one of them mentions Disney sequels in some way. Of course, when it comes to Disney sequels, I am most likely the biggest arse in Fantasmic Kingdom, which is a major reason why I chose to review "Cinderella III." I wanted to make fun of it like nobody’s business.

That shouldn’t be too hard, I thought. After all, I’ve got hours of MST3K under my belt. I need to practice on my riffing. That’s what I thought at the time when I read the general plot for "Cinderella III": What if the glass slipper didn’t fit? (I would consider committing hari-kari.) Discover the answer in "Cinderella III: A Twist In Time," an all-new motion picture. Walt Disney’s classic fairytale continues in a spellbinding story about a stepmother’s revenge and magic falling into the wrong hands. Prince Charming, along with best friends Jaq and Gus, join Cinderella in this new movie filled with enchanting new songs, spectacular animation, and more wonder and suspense than the original.

Come on. What kind of plot is that for Cinderella? Well, at least this film has a plot, opposed to the steaming pile of excrement that was its predecessor, "Cinderella II: Dreams Come True." If "The Little Mermaid II" is the Jack the Ripper of Disney animation, then "Cinderella II" is the Scott Peterson; it not only killed Walt Disney’s baby, but Disney itself. Gone was the simple yet timeless magic that made "Cinderella" the great film it is. "Cinderella II" was full of contemporary garbage, grating situations, and anything else bad. And this is why I said to myself, “This couldn’t possibly be as bad as 'Cinderella II'” when I started "Cinderella III." The good news is I was right.

I think I’ll just say the best thing this movie has going for it right from the get-go. "Cinderella III" is superior to "Cinderella II." "A Twist in Time" actually has a coherent plot, improved animation, and the only bubblegum pop in the soundtrack plays during the end credits. If I had the choice to watch either "Cinderella II" or "III" again, I would choose the latter in a heartbeat. But let me ask you this: is this saying much? The answer, unfortunately, is no.

"Cinderella III" opens up with Jennifer Hale’s patronizing narration. After that, another high point occurs: Cinderella and Prince Charming actually make a cute couple (which convinces me that if Kris does make Prince Charming in FK, I can die a happy man… and I might even make Jaq and Gus). In fact, they make such a cute couple that they sing a saccharinely annoying song to prove this. They are celebrating their practically perfect or whatever one year anniversary. Why in the hell they chose to celebrate it at a close distance from her old house, however, is far beyond me. The Fairy Godmother, being the lovably absent-minded ditz she is, inadvertently flings the magic wand to an eavesdropping Anastasia, who in all her stupidity actually can put two and two together rather quickly.

“I has a stick.”

Anastasia rushes home to show the bit of stick to her mother and sister, Lady Tremaine and Drizella, respectively. It’s not long before the Fairy Godmother stumbles in (stupidly) and tries to retrieve the wand. After an unfunny series of transformation, the wand is in Lady Tremaine’s hand, who also can put two and two together very quickly. At this point, the Fairy Godmother has the worst case of kidney stones I have ever seen. And before you can say “what have I gotten myself into?”, Lady Tremaine says, “Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!” and gets the plot rolling.

“I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRRR!!!”


“Your mother’s in here with us, Karras.”

Time has been pulled back exactly one year, to where the Grand Duke is searching for the girl who wore the slipper (I’m sure we’re all familiar with "Cinderella"’s plot, so I won’t touch on that here). With the magic wand, making things go her way is kids’ stuff for Lady Tremaine. Lady Tremaine breaks Cinderella’s slipper almost as fast as this movie broke my already low expectations, and forbids her from going to the castle… and after an uninspired song (courtesy of Cinderella), she, Gus and Jaq set out to the castle. Once there, Cinderella sneaks in through the servants’ entry (great, now Glass Abbey looks even worse for the wear) and passes off as a rodent catcher. She splits up from the mice, and they search for Prince Charming, whom we really get to meet at this point.

“Why the hell did we sign up for this…?”



I want adventure in the great wide somewhere/I want it more than I can tell…

One of this movie’s biggest selling points is the fact that Prince Charming plays a bigger role in this film than he did in the first film. I’m embarrassed to say that I held high hope for this. I mean, Prince Charming doing more than just standing and letting everyone else work for him? And on top of that, voiced by C.D. Barnes? Count me in! Oh, wait… ultimately, Prince Charming is better off without a personality! His personality here is nothing short of groan-inducing. He’s far more “gee whiz!” than Prince Phillip (not an insult to Phillip), and he’s prone to contemporary sayings; “Hold the trumpet!” is my personal favorite. God, if you are merciful, you will end this movie. What? We’re only twenty minutes into the picture? No…

When the slipper fitting Anastasia doesn’t quite cut it to win Princey-pooh's heart, Lady Tremaine works her magic on Princey-pooh, and said Princey-pooh eventually falls in love with Anastasia. We then cut back to Cinderella, who is not having much luck with making things right. However, she finds the Prince and she is ecstatic… only to be shot down as if she was hunting with Dick Cheney. He doesn’t remember her. Say it with me, you crazy fans of M. Night Shyamalan: “What a twist!”

“Don’t make me angry… you won’t like me when I’m angry…”

So Cinderella, Wallace and Gromit’s latest member of Anti-Pesto, is sent to the wine cellar, where she rendezvous with Gus and Jaq. The mice have also put two and two together, and explain what they saw to Cinderella, who also puts two and two together. Now with more determination, Cinderella turns into a C-Team leader and proclaims, “Boys, we have to get that wand!” Let’s see now… I’m five stories up, and surely I’ll end it all if I ju—No! Be strong, Joseph! You must be strong!

Sorry, Gus, but no amount of hypnotism can make you forget this dreck.

Anastasia plays a big part in this, as she did with a segment in "Cinderella II." She is learning about love, and believes that the Prince is really falling for her. She’s having help learning about love, too; the King lectures her about his dead wife and love this, love that, something or other. Look, I’m sorry, but I just do not look at Anastasia like that. When I look at Anastasia, I do not see a reformed soul—I see one-third of what made Cinderella’s life a living hell for ten years. I sympathize with Charles Manson more than I sympathize with Anastasia. Alas, this is the route the movie is taking.

I really hate myself for saying this, but I like the next scene… at least, a good chunk of it. Gus and Jaq try to steal the wand which Lady Tremaine had locked in a drawer. However, Cinderella also disguises herself as a slave (that’s kinda redundant, don’t you think? And I absolutely hate this part of the scene) and walks into the room, scrubbing the mess Lucifer made (not THAT mess). Lady Tremaine sees through Cinderella’s disguise, however, and unmasks her.

This is one of the best moments in the film, so I’ll explain why I think so in detail. I love "Cinderella," but there’s one thing about it that really bothers me. Cinderella and Lady Tremaine never really have a standoff. While this is just nitpicking, and I understand that, I really hate Lady Tremaine. I hate her, I love her so much. Along with Frollo, the Coachman and Hilary Duff, Lady Tremaine ranks among the most unlikable characters in the Disney feature-film canon. And Lady Tremaine didn't even get serious comeuppance, for crying out loud! Therefore, Cinderella really standing up for herself and sticking it to Lady Tremaine would be so, so sweet to me. And that’s why I like this scene, even if the dialogue is atrocious: Cinderella actually tells off Lady Tremaine. It’s very short and silly, but, damn, is it satisfying.

“So you gotta ask yourself: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well… DO YA, PUNK?!”




“You’re lying, dammit! And I can prove it!!”

And after that, an amazingly unfunny chase sequence occurs as Cinderella, Gus and Jaq run off with the wand. Unfortunately, Cinderella is too slow to do a simple incantation, and is caught and separated from the wand. Lady Tremaine orders for Cinderella to be shipped out of the kingdom, exiled. Meanwhile, Prince Charming shows that not every character in the film can put two and two together quickly; he is struggling to remember that a) the hot girl with a bust is his true love, b) the ugly girl that’s flat as a board is not his true love, and c) to fire his agent.

While Cinderella is on her way to leaving whatever kingdom this place is, Prince Charming reaches into his feminine side and communicates with blue birds. He is pulled into watching a show-stopping song-and-dance number performed by Gus and Jaq, only without the show-stopping. Gus and Jaq explain the going-ons to the Prince, and—I’m sorry, but does anyone else find it hilarious how Cinderella calls him “The Prince” and not his first name? Or maybe his name really is Prince Prince Charming. How depressing. Anyway, back to the review—he realizes that Cinderelly is his true love. Someone had better call PETA, quick, because Princey-pooh abuses the everliving crap out of his horse.

For I’m called Little Buttercup—dear Little Buttercup/Though I could never tell why…


“HEEEEEYYYYYY, YOOOOOOOOUUUUU GUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYS!”


If this reminds you a lot of "Titanic," you’re not alone. At least there are no rapping dogs in this movie!

Cinderella is already on the ship, but the Prince manages to make it on board and proposes to Cinderella all over again. The End! I wish. Lady Tremaine and her ragtag company evade some guards with a little bit of magic.

“No, Cinderella! I expect you to DIE!”

However, Tremaine reveals herself as Cinderella is preparing her wedding gown. As if that’s not shocking enough, Tremaine shows Cinderella what’s behind curtain number one and reveals Anastasia, except Anastasia is now a full-bodied clone of Cinderella.

I think I’m a clone now/There’s always two of me just a-hangin’ around…

And wouldn’t you know it, Lady Tremaine actually has the audacity to wish death for Cinderella! She transports Cinderelly, Gus and Jaq to a pumpkin’s womb (seriously), which transforms into a nightmarish chariot to hell. And on top of that, Lady Tremaine transforms Lucifer into an equally nightmarish coachman, and he begins to steer an unwilling horse to a cliff that’s miles away.

Being a fetus in a pumpkin is not what I would call an anniversary! Actually, this is the start of the best scene in the entire movie, and perhaps the only reason to pick this movie up.

I think I’ll stop being a jerk for a moment and be nice. I also like this scene. I like it because of the sheer twisted factor of it. Cinderella transported into a gooey pumpkin that forms into a creepy (yet lamentably CGI) chariot, with Lucifer as a coachman? That’s very much a Stephen King version of the Cinderella story, if I do say so myself. Also, Cinderella actually shows some acrobat skills, along with the mice’s help. Though Cinderella saying “bad kitty” makes me cry inside. So close, and yet so far…

Cinderella, proving that she has graduated from Dirk the Daring’s School of Craftiness.

It should be obvious that Anastasia as a Cinderella clone is going to marry Prince Charming. Best of all, the couple are being married by Elmer Fudd, and, boy, has he let himself go! Cinderella herself manages to crash the wedding, but perhaps too late! Yet, Anastasia declines the vow, stopping the wedding. Lady Tremaine is more furious than a fat kid in P.E. class, so she starts zapping things with magic. However, Prince Charming uses his sword to ricochet the magic back to Lady Tremaine and Drizella, turning them into toads. This is not at all satisfying for a woman I truly wanna see die, but whatever.

“Shhhh! Be vewy, vewy qwiet! I’m mawwying! Huhuhuhuhuhu!”

Anastasia is, literally, reformed now. So forget about that snobby, unfriendly wench you remember from the first film: she is now a goodie. Joy! Cinderella and Prince Charming revive the Fairy Godmother, who offers to bring the hero and heroine back to their previous life, as if none of this has ever happened. Cinderella and Princey-pooh politely decline, and marry once more.

And they live happily ever after, but not so much for me. I have to endure a craptacular credit sequence, and see that Lady Tremaine and Drizella turn back into human. What? So they don’t get punished at all? Hello! Lady Tremaine tried to kill, repeat, KILL CINDERELLA. I don’t know about you, but I would think even Cinderella would want to get sweet revenge on… oh, never mind. Anastasia apparently finds herself in a loving relationship with a baker. Yeah. And that’s it.

As Ben “Greasnin” Platt of SomethingAwful once said, “This movie owes me an apology.”

Although this movie isn’t as bad as some other Disney sequels (wow, I actually said that), it’s still not good. Granted, it’s much better than the previous film, but it’s just not Disney. Not classic Disney, anyway.

The animation is largely improved over the second film. Even the snippets of scenes from the first film were thankfully re-animated; if they just used footage from the first film, it would stand out like a Hasidic Jew would stand out in a skinhead rally (of course, this also makes me think, “I could be watching the first movie right now instead of this,” so, hey). There actually was effort put into the animation, even using what the first Cinderella had: rotoscoping. I could see it clear as day in several areas, and for a direct-to-video package, the characters do at least look decent, though they are still not Nine Old Men material. In fact, I really miss Marc Davis and Eric Larson’s Cinderella, Ward Kimball’s Lucifer, and Frank Thomas’s Lady Tremaine (if you don’t know any of those names, please do me a favor and get the hell out).

The good news, however, is that Cinderella herself does look nice here. The same, however, could not be said for the backgrounds. Pretty much every background is computer-rendered. It actually reminded me of a computer game called "Villains’ Revenge." Then it got me thinking.

"Cinderella III: A Twist in Time" would have been better suited for a Fantasmic Kingdom thread, at the risk of downgrading our beloved RPG. Or even better, a Halloween story. That Cinderella/chariot-of-doom scene would make a great Halloween story. Hell, the movie would also be a great scenario for a "Villains’ Revenge" sequel. But it just doesn’t work as a sixty-five minute long movie plus end credits. Maybe it works for that Disney Cruise show this film is based on, I don’t know.

The voice actors, for the most part, do their best with the material they have. Jennifer Hale once again reprises the role of Cinderella. While I do like Jennifer Hale, she is no Ilene Woods. I could be saying this because of what the scriptwriters have Jennifer Hale say, but I really do admire Ms. Hale for taking the task. Then again, I am biased and a fan of some of her other work, so… yeah.

Christopher Daniel Barnes as Prince Charming is much spottier. On one hand, he does give Prince Charming much more personality than he had in the first movie. On the other hand, the personality absolutely sucks. It’s as if someone at Disney said, “Hey, what about that Eric guy, C.D. Barnes? Yeah! Get him!” Don’t get me wrong, I am not bagging on Mr. Barnes. I’m just saying that his talent could have been great if his personality and lines were much better. Unfortunately, it’s because of the writers’ incompetence that Mr. Barnes fails.

Susan Blakeslee again reprises as Lady Tremaine. Though Eleanor Audley is very much inimitable, Mrs. Blakeslee is a nice replacement. She also voiced Maleficent in the Kingdom Hearts series, and she’s equally menacing here. In fact, I’m willing to say that Lady Tremaine is probably the most in-character one here… with the possible exception of Gus and Jaq.

Rob Paulsen, a very talented and gifted voice actor, was very much overused in the last film. Fortunately, he’s not so overused here. Well, he voices about three characters, but that’s not jarring. He’s a very nice replacement for Jaq, and his take on the Grand Duke does produce some smiles. Corey Burton is equally gifted and talented, and he’s a nice Gus here. Everyone else is fine, though I miss the King’s hilariously goofy personality from the first film. I’m actually surprised Cinderella and Prince Charming have no child yet, considering being a grandfather was His Majesty’s main concern in the first film. Maybe in "Cinderella IV"—NO! Perish the thought!

The songs are like me singing in the shower: they may be self-satisfying, but anyone else who listens to them will shudder and grimace. Fortunately, there aren’t a lot of them, and they are very, very brief. The music score is by no means Oliver Wallace, but it gets the job done. In fact, it’s a blessing to hear it over the bubblegum pop atrocity that is the end credits song.

"Cinderella III: A Twist in Time" is far, far away from being excellent. Yet… I really, really, really, really hate myself for saying this, and I’m gonna try and come up with a lie later on to negate this, but… it wasn’t as bad as I dread it would be. Shockingly enough, I genuinely like some aspects about it! With that said, however, it’s still a lackluster film, and I would be amazed if anyone thought of it any higher than that.

I give this film *¾ out of ****. I'll just stick with the first film, thank you very much.

“IT’S MORPHIN’ TIME!!”