Post by Alice on May 28, 2009 1:41:58 GMT -8
Note: Here it is, the long-delayed review! Sorry for the lengthy hiatus. A lot of things have been going on.
Before I begin, I want to say up front that this review is not meant to besmirch Dom DeLuise. I had planned to review this nearly two months before his tragic death. I had considered postponing this review and my upcoming The Magic Voyage review out of respect for the DeLuise family, but I've decided to be gentle on Dom, and hit the rest of these movies to hell and back! I’m sure none of you will be offended by riffing these movies that happen to feature Dom DeLuise, so here’s A Troll in Central Park, and next time will be The Magic Voyage!)
Before I begin, I want to say up front that this review is not meant to besmirch Dom DeLuise. I had planned to review this nearly two months before his tragic death. I had considered postponing this review and my upcoming The Magic Voyage review out of respect for the DeLuise family, but I've decided to be gentle on Dom, and hit the rest of these movies to hell and back! I’m sure none of you will be offended by riffing these movies that happen to feature Dom DeLuise, so here’s A Troll in Central Park, and next time will be The Magic Voyage!)
At his greatest, I absolutely adore Don Bluth. At his worst, I absolutely frown upon Don Bluth. He is quite possibly the directing animator with the biggest hit-and-miss ratio. The Secret of NIMH, awesome! This movie… not so much, I’m afraid. Let’s take a magical, flowery trip into the blandness that is A Troll in Central Park (1994)!
To be honest, the beginning of this movie is promising. The score music over the flashy green titles is lush and pretty, and the painted backgrounds are just as elegant. Alas, the movie eventually segues into monochrome, dreary scenery. In the Kingdom of the Trolls (creative name for a kingdom, huh?), there lived… trolls. I don’t mean the creepy, navel-jeweled old midgets from the 1990s. You remember those? Those dolls were friggin’ creepy, and I never understood how anyone could find them adorable. They were creepy, wrinkly, and I found their wild, loud hair and eyes especially disquieting.
Geh…
Sorry about that tangent. Anyway, the Kingdom of Trolls is filled with no-good trolls, but there is one troll who’s actually sweet, effeminate and a floraphile. This titular troll is Stanley (voiced by the late and great Dom DeLuise). According to this film, all trolls possess a magical thumb that has magical qualities. However, Stanley’s thumb creates flowers and serene landscapes. He even keeps a home full of anthropomorphic flowers, all of whom Stanley locks away in secrecy. I cannot help but find this disturbingly Quentin Tarantino-esque.
“Hello, my beauties. Tonight’s safety word is, ‘The Game.’”
Unfortunately for Stanley, he’s eventually caught by other trolls. Gardening is a serious crime in the Kingdom of the Trolls, so he is brought before the King and Queen of the Kingdom of the Trolls. Yeah, this Kingdom needs another name, because this is just way too stock. Fantasmic Kingdom is totally better. This film’s chief villain is Queen Gnorga, voiced by Cloris Leachman. How do we know that Gnorga, the Queen of Trolls, is mean? Because she sings about it. That’s right, Gnorga provides this movie’s first song, and, boy, does it suck. I mean, it truly bites on multiple levels. As a song by itself “The Queen of Mean” is terrible, but it’s also not sufficient for an allegedly evil monarch. If Gnorga is really so evil and wicked, as she sings, then why doesn’t she prove it? If instead of singing “I’m mean, y’all!” she, say, bit the head off of a fairy or a blue bird, then we would believe that she truly is a force to be reckoned with. I don’t know; just have her do something gnarly! Singing about being evil and mean isn’t sufficient! Show, not tell. Besides, singing “I’m mean” reminds me way too much of Mr. T Jabberwock from Alice Through the Looking Glass, and I don’t need to be reminded of that piece of sludge.
Queen Gnorga wants to transform Stanley into stone, but King Llort recommends banishing Stanley to a hellhole instead—a hellhole where no grass grows, no flowers bloom, and every inhabitant is a rude jerk. That’s right, New York City! Queen Gnorga agrees with her husband’s suggestion, and so she traps Stanely in a ball and sends him flying straight to Central Park. Sure, Central Park has some greenery, but Stanely learns the hard way that not everyone who lives in New York City is polite. He is chased by one animal after another, and ultimately ends up in a salad in a restaurant, and is almost served to a fat man who, for some bizarre reason, really craves the leaves. Seriously; he even says “nom nom!” at one point.
This movie is inaccurate; fatloads do not get this psyched about salads.
Eventually, Stanley makes it back to Central Park. He hides underground under a bridge, afraid and alone.
The next morning, a spectacularly bland family is in trouble! An attorney father and his similarly busy wife fail to keep their promise to take their children, Gus (Phillip Glasser) and Rosie (some annoying, babbling twerp), to Central Park to play with a toy boat. The one thing that truly perplexes me about the rotoscoped parents is that they are voiced by Jonathan Pryce and Haley Mills, and the characters are only in this film for two minutes, tops. This is very humorous to me; you might as well make a live-action film and cast Daniel Day-Lewis and Nicole Kidman just so they could sneeze and belch in one second. For some strange reason, Jonathan Pryce’s name is misspelled as Jonathon Price in the closing credits.
Is that boy wearing a Chip ‘n Dale: Rescue Rangers shirt?
Gus is shattered that his parents broke their promise to hang out with the kid. We’re probably supposed to feel bad for Gus, but the truth is I cannot sympathize with the boy. Why? Because he’s a jerk. He treats his little sister like crap, and he is also largely disrespectful to the maid. What a punk.
Gus may have been shafted by his parents, but that’s not gonna stop him from taking Rosie to Central Park… alone. It’s just like the “Good Company” sequence in Oliver & Company: whenever I see a child all alone in New York, I simply shake my head. What child could survive New York City when going solo? Hey, Oliver & Company also has Dom DeLuise’s voice. Guess what movie is better, that film or this film?
Do you see what’s happening to me? This movie is so boring, my mind is wandering. I can’t focus on this damn review. Ugh. In Central Park, Rosie grabs a load of balloons and starts to float. That’s some serious helium in those balloons!
“I’m just a little, black raincloud hovering under the honey tree…”
Rosie and Gus get separated, and Rosie finds and quickly befriends Stanley, whom Rosie calls “Twoll.” I’m impressed that Rosie can identify a Twoll so quickly. Stanley and Rosie become fast friends, and Stanley sings this film’s best song, “Absolutely Green.” But calling it the best song in this film is not saying much at all. Actually, it kind of sounds like a lame version of “Somewhere That’s Green” from Little Shop of Horrors. I wish I was watching that musical now.
Gus eventually joins Stanley and Rosie, and we are treated to an unimpressive dancing flowers sequence that goes on for way too long. Gus acts like an insufferable jerkwad for a while, and eventually Gnorga and her wimpy husband catches Stanley and the kids through their television crystal. Gnorga is PO’d, until she notices Gus. She is amused by the child, and claims that he is rude, obnoxious and troll-like. Good heavens, even the movie acknowledges that Gus is an unlikable twerp!
Gnorga quickly conjures up an idea to kill the kids and Stanley. Through the TV crystal, Gnorga delivers a spell’s incantation: “The boy will cry a sea of tears. The wind will blow them well. A thunderbolt to shake their hearts, and drown them in the spell!” After Gnorga imprints the curse on Gus, the boy immediately starts crying so profusely, his tears begin to form a large pool. Wait, what?!
Gosh, where have I seen this before?!
That’s right!
This plagiarism is a “crying” shame, ahyuck!
WHOA! Look at the thickness of that leg!
Don Bluth, Gary Goldman and everyone else in this film had to have been familiar with Alice in Wonderland. There is no way in hell one can be an animation buff and not know about the Disney film. I will give this movie the benefit of the doubt, and say that this scene isn’t a rip-off of Alice in Wonderland, but rather a tribute. Good work, gang!
The film’s score suddenly turns into the main theme from Tim Burton’s 1989 Batman film as the tear level rises quickly. Fortunately, Stanley saves the children by using his green thumb to turn Gus’ toy boat into a dream vessel, similar to Wynken, Blynken and Nod.
All aboard the failboat!
Stanley has spirited the children away into his dream. Stanley states, “Nobody gets hurt in my dream.” Actually, Stanley, I’m hurting very badly right now. Stanley sings another forgettable song with predictable lyrics as they sail through his fantasy, and after the sequence the troll and kids fall asleep.
Gnorga, furious that Stanley and the brats survived the Alice in Blunderland scenario, decides to pull a Queen Narissa and storm New York City herself. Unfortunately for us, Gnorga’s exceedingly annoying husband tags along. Gnorga, transformed into a vortex, rockets directly to New York City, heading right for Central Park, and their presence makes all of New York City and Central Park even uglier than the Big Apple already was! Zing! For some reason, the troll monarchs are also attired as valkyries now. Why the hell this is the case, it’s never explained. It just makes me want to watch the masterpiece “What’s Opera, Doc?” instead of this dreck.
Where’s the spear and magic helmet? It is worth NOTHING that this film has an unfunny running gag: the troll monarchs' dog continuously bites King Llort. Uproarious.
Gus and Rosie wake up, leaving a slumbering Stanley behind and attempt the trip home. Gnorga and her husband attack the children in the hellish desert that is Central Park. They abduct Rosie, and Gus hurries to plead Stanley for help. Stanley turns down the plea, citing that he’s very cowardly. Gus harshly criticizes Stanley, saying that the troll “doesn’t believe in himself.” Uh, Gus, you spent the whole movie acting like a complete oaf, and now you’re suddenly filled with Disney-esque morality? Uneven script, ahoy!
Gus tries to rescue Rosie, but he gets turned into a hog-nosed troll in the process. Gus, with his troll powers, turns the Troll King’s feet into stone. I didn’t bother to look up the King’s name again because, really, who cares? Fortunately, Stanley finally comes to his senses and comes to the rescue. He puts his goodwill curse on Gnorga, and she gradually becomes flowery. Alas, she makes the last attack by possessing the cursed Gus, and forcing him to stone Stanley. After Gnorga and her husband are defeated, Gus and Rosie conveniently land at their home, and Gus reverts to his
normal, terrible, old self… but maybe he’ll be a little wiser for the wear.
The next day, Gus and Rosie’s parents actually decide to be compassionate and attentive, and they offer to take the kids to Central Park. They bring the stoned Stanley with them, and here Stanley’s curse is broken. He sings a reprise of “Absolutely Green,” and New York City gradually becomes overgrown with flora. Oh, crap, it’s like Creepshow!
Let my luck be in, just this once…
Actually, it’s implied that Gnorga and her kingly husband are alive, but powerless. Whatever. I gave up.
Okay, in most of my reviews I usually become critical and analytical at around this time. But not today. I cannot be critical without sounding like the meanest, harshest critic to exist. So I’ll just say what I feel. Are you ready?
THIS. MOVIE. SUCKS. OH, MY GOD, THIS MOVIE SUCKS. THIS MOVIE SUCKS, SUCKS, SUCKS. THIS MOVIE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY SUCKS. THIS MOVIE SUCKS SO HARD, IT’S THE SOGGY TOOTSIE ROLL POP STICK BUT WITH NO LINGERING TASTE. THAT IS A LOT OF SUCKAGE.
It’s better than Titanic: The Animated Movie, but what the hell isn’t? That’s not a praising comment!
Please keep in mind that I have yet to watch all of Don Bluth’s movies. Specifically, I still have never seen The Pebble and the Penguin and Bartok the Magnificent, so I can’t say how good/bad they are. But I will say that of all the Don Bluth films I’ve seen, in my opinion this is easily the worst. The characters are bland and unmemorable, the songs are even worse, the film’s score is derivative and uninspired, and the animation, while agreeably competent, is a significant cut below Don Bluth and Gary Goldman’s better works.
I think the best thing I can say about this film is the acting. Dom DeLuise had a beautiful voice, and it will be sorely missed; it already is. I think the closest I can come to describing DeLuise’s highly distinctive voice is Israel Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole but with a thick sense of humor. Even though Stanley is a stupid and forgettable character, he is still easily the best part of this film, all because of Dom DeLuise’s legendary chords.
Phillip Glasser voiced Gus in this film, and he’s best known as Fievel in An American Tail. While Fievel is an endearing character, Gus is a jerk. I don’t care if he’s supposed to be a jerk; I simply cannot relate to him, nor do I care about him. I guess Glasser does an okay job with Gus, but it’s far too whiny. Rosie doesn’t really act, so much as act like a bubbly toddler. She succeeded, at least. Cloris Leachman is one of my all-time favorite actresses, so it’s a shame that she can’t save this film. Still, Gnorga is one of the more interesting characters in the film, if only because of her energetic personality. Of course, her song really stinks. The troll king is too annoying to be likable, and the parts of Gus and Rosie’s parents are so brief that they don’t really have time to act.
Those aren’t enormous praises, and I am aware of this. I hate this movie. This review was really tough, mostly because of how boring, stale and forgettable this movie is. If you’re in the mood to watch a “whimsy in New York City” movie, stick with Enchanted and give this stinker a pass. Actually, if you’re in the mood for flowers and whimsy, I recommend checking out A Journey Through Fairyland over this.
This Don Bluth film is full of fail and shame, this movie is absolutely lame!
* out of ****
Special thanks to Elisa for reminding me of the running gag centering on the dog!
Note: This review had a running gag that was cut because it was potentially offensive. These deleted comments are available to see upon request; just shoot me a PM if you wish!
