Movie Review - The Horse Without a Head

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"Oh, look! Another Disney Channel Original Movie. Ho-hum, no thanks." I think a good portion of us have this general attitude towards Disney Channel Original Movies. There are probably a few out there (but probably not here in FK) who believe that Disney-produced made-for-TV films are a recent trend. This is not true, actually. Believe it or not, but made-for-TV feature-length films have been a Disney practice since when Uncle Walt was still alive. Sure, The Disney Channel was established in 1983, but when Disney films were shown on popular channels back in the day, TV-made films were produced even then. It is true that most made-for-TV films are nowhere near as famous or even long-standing as theatrically-released favorites, but that doesn't mean that there are only a few Disney television movies. In truth, there are many.

I will review one such movie, Child of Glass, sometime in the future. But for now, I'm going to focus on a made-for-TV film less popular than Child of Glass, but evidently a fan favorite. Ladies and gentlemen, I present my review of The Horse Without a Head (1963)!

The Horse Without a Head is a made-for-TV film that was produced and aired while Walt Disney was still alive. It takes place in France, mostly in an area named Louvigny (I really am not a France buff, so forgive me if I am inaccurate). The movie opens with some standard shots of Louvigny (including brief shots of the titular horse without a head), accompanied by a music theme that I actually find pretty catchy. The best way I can describe this theme is the "Our Gang" theme mixed with the Traverse Town melody from Kingdom Hearts.

After the opening titles, we jump right into a plot thought up by some presumably effecient French crooks, led by the mastermind named Schiapa. Schiapa is played by Herbert Lom, who is probably best known as Charles Dreyfus from The Pink Panther film series. At least, the Charles Dreyfus from the original film series; not the recent Steve Martin projects. Dreyfus is a very exaggerated, comically explosive character, but in this film Herbert Lom plays his character more straightly, with a brooding, "I'm evil and damn good at my job" vibe. The crooks are preparing themselves for one hell of a train robbery, which will take place on the skirt of Louvigny. The only setback to their plan is that they need someone who is an average, commonly-sighted presence in the village to catch the currency after it is dropped off from the train. Strangers waiting at the rendezvous point would be mighty suspicious, so they need to hire someone who wouldn't cause suspicion.

Enter a fat, ugly and mean peddler named Roublot, who is actually a more present antagonist in this film than Schiapa, as I will detail as we proceed. Roublot is played by the late Leo McKern, a veteran character actor who I personally know best as Carl Bugenhagen from the first two The Omen films. (This is off-topic, but I highly recommend the original The Omen; I have yet to watch the remake, nor do I plan to.)

Roublot is a mean-spirited, explosive peddler. Not long after we first see him trying to make a sale to a not-so-amused audience, a redheaded boy rides a headless horse toy down the street. Actually, he doesn't; he's supposed to, but in actuality he's just sitting on a headless horse toy in front of a really, really bad blue screen effect. The redheaded kid (gosh, it's really tempting to use a less flattering slang to describe him) crashes into Roublot's wares, which enrages the peddler.

"We're too poor to afford an actual ride on this thing, so we resort to blue construction paper."

The boy's four other friends race in, and Roublot grabs the headless horse and threatens to burn it. Before he could, though, one of the girls whistles. The girl is Marion, played by Pamela Franklin of The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie and The Legend of Hell House fame. Marion's special power is that she is the dog whisperer. I'm not kidding; she has techniques and abilities that would make Cesar Millan green with envy. All Marion did to retrieve the horse is whistle, and suddenly every dog in close proximity stopped whatever they were doing and charged after a frightened Roublot.

See, dogs will attack you if you so much indulge in sexual fantasies! Granny Lansbury was right!

The French children retrieve the titular horse without a head, but Roublot doesn't have much time to blow steam; he is visited by one of Schiapa's goons, a man in black named Mallart (who kinda looks like Walt Disney if he were in a horror film). Mallart and Roublot go inside a bar, where Roublot is offered to join in on the heist. But before they enter the bar, we are introduced to Inspector Jerome, who I swear looks just like Seregeant Moue from Broken Sword: Shadow of the Templars. Jerome dislikes the children playing with the horse.

Cut to Marion's crappy shanty. She keeps many stray dogs, and makes it her mission to find homes for each and every one of them. She is visited by Inspector Sinet (played by the late French actor, Jean-Pierre Aumont) and his lazy assistant. Sinet tires to be stern, but in truth he is a warm and child-friendly person. He approaches Marion to ask her a question about a lost poodle. Marion hasn't seen a poodle, but she shows off her gift-from-Dog powers and demonstrates her dog call to Sinet.

After this scene (which serves no purpose other than to provide Marion and Sinet some depth), Sinet and his assistant visit Shantytown, where Roublot deliberately starts a fight with some gypsies. He starts this fight so he can announce moving his trailer to a particular spot, which happens to be near train tracks. Obviously, this is all part of the great train heist scheme! Muahahaha!

Later, the five kids play with their headless horse, constantly racing down the street, trying to best their last time. They cause yet another collision, though, and Inspector Jerome confiscates their horse, but the kids follow the buzz-killer to the police station. The children and Jerome argue to Sinet, with Jerome stating that the horseplay (dur-hur) is an endangerment to the public--which it is!--while the kids say that they want to have fun. Sinet compromises; he allows the children to play with the horsey, but one of the boys has to act as a traffic director at the busy crossroads. Sinet was once a poor kid himself, and he believes that the kids deserve a break. Besides, they could grow up to be on the police's side if this is allowed. I personally think that the kids were a legitimate threat to the safety of others, considering that two collisions have happened so far during this film, but whatever!

Roublot is invited to meet Schiapa himself, and the final plans are stated clearly. Schiapa and two of his men will be on board of the train and get the money ready. Meanwhile, Roublot and Walt Disnazi will be at the curve in Shantytown, where they will catch the 100,000,000 francs, and they will meet up as rich S.O.B.'s. Isn't it funny how today 100,000,000 francs isn't worth squat? Not since the implementation of euros, to be precise.

Schiapa and his men board the train with the francs, and one of the goons impersonates a dining car attendant, and serves the monetary guards drugged drinks. Schiapa chortles to his accomplices, "They won't wake up this side of midnight. Lucky fellows. Myself, I could never sleep on a train." Hoo, hoo, what a bitch!

Meanwhile, Roublot isn't so slick. He is tremendously nervous, jumpy and intoxicated, and on his way to the rendezvous point he nearly runs over one of Marion's dogs, Sacha. Roublot swerves and hits a telephone poll, and in a furious rage he attempts to punch Marion! [!!!] Whoa, now that is noteworthy for a Disney villain! A Disney villain actually tries to take a swipe on a little girl! Jinkies!

"Release the--bogus!"

Fortunately, Marion evades the strike, and she calls her canine companions to her rescue. The drunken Roublot is arrested, and Walt Disnasty--okay, this joke is tired--Mallart is left alone at the rendezvous point, wondering where the hell Roublot is. Hint: Roublot is sent to jail for the night.

Marion's four friends (notably an Irish-accented boy named Fernand) meet up in a clubhouse, but they grow tired of waiting for Marion, so they commence their Horse Without a Head ceremony. That's right; not only do these little twerps like to play dangerously at the crossroads, but they also have a fetish for their horse. They proclaim themselves the Knights of the Horse Without a Head, and the following is their anthem:

Knights of the Headless Horse, Headless Horse, Headless Horse
Knights of the Headless Horse, brave and bold are we
We love our Headless Horse, Headless Horse, Headless Horse
And to our Headless Horse pledge our loyalty

No horse in all this world
Has such a noble grace
And though he lost his head
We're sure he had a noble face

Knights of the Headless Horse, one for all, all for one
Hail to the one and only Horse Without a Head

No horse in all this world
Has such a noble grace
And though he lost his head
We're sure he had a noble face
[whistle]

Knights of the Headless Horse, one for all, all for one
Hail to the one and only Horse Without a Head!

... Oh, boy. These kids need to get older and get love interests, fast. Well, at least they didn't sing America's "A Horse With No Name."

Suddenly, the Midnight Society from Are You Afraid of the Dark? looks cool.

Fernand steps out to look for Marion (she's missing all the fun, eh?), but he is strangled by the eavesdropping Mallart. Marion calls Sacha the dog to Fernand's rescue, and the harmed villain flees to meet up with the oncoming train. That man probably would have been better off not approaching any of the kids and just do his duty, but we need to bring the kids into this plot somehow!

The francs are tossed outside of the train, and Mallart is forced to hide them in an abandoned gag factory (not owned by Marvin Acme, sadly). He finds the key on the ground, unlocks the carnival warehouse and brings the currency inside. He later locks the place up and leaves (though he sleeps with the francs first, which signals some unaddressed issues with this man.)

The next day, Sinet visits Fernand's family's house. Fernand's dad works at the railroad, and he's questioned if he knows anything about the heist that happened the previous night. Fernand enters the conversation and describes Mallart. Sinet and Fernand drop into downtown and spot Mallrt. Mallart, who tries to flee from the approaching Sinet but is stopped by--guess what?--the horse without a head. Mallart, now doomed to be arrested, quickly slips the key into the headless horse. Alas, the horse is broken.

Roublot visits Schiapa and his men again, and it's not long before the much-criticized Roublot deduces that the key is in the horse toy. Roublot attempts to take the horse form the children with feigned kindness, but his attempts of being courteous is about as effective as bringing an active brain into a Michael Bay film.

Roublot skedaddles when Jerome shows up, and Jerome notices the broken horse. He claims that the horse is officially kaput. When the kids protest, stating that he can be fixed, Jerome says the following: "No, there's only one thing to do with him. Find his head, and put a bullet through it. Heh, heh, heh, ha, ha, ha!"

... You have a really sick sense of humor, Jerome. I wouldn't advise taking any babysitting offers.

"I also collect matchbooks, and I live with ten ferrets."

Fernand brings the horse to his father, and the dad believes that he can't fix the horse's broken axle, but perchance his friend can. He realizes that the horse is heavy, and Fernand says that they filled the horse with debris to make him heavier, faster, and more dangerous. These kids are delinquents!

Mallart refuses to crack to Sinet and the police, but Sinet receives fingerprint information on Mallart, and it points to a job in a different city. Now they just need to pin Mallart to the train job.

Roublot invites himself into Fernand's home while the kid is alone, and attempts to trade the horse (which isn't there) for an electric train set. Fernand refuses, and Roublot explodes in a rage, grabbing Fernand and strangling--okay, Roublot is officially the most badass Disney villain ever. I mean, he's not above punching a girl and strangling a boy. I've never seen Madame Medusa do that!

Anyway, Fernand is saved by a kindly junk man, and the junk man's presence sends Roublot running. It was the junk man, Marion's grandfather, who found the damned horse in the first place, and gave it to the children. Thanks for contributing to the downfall of French society, monsieur! The junk man, on Fernand's dad's request, takes the debris that was used in the horse, including the key. It is worth noting that nobody outside of the villains is aware of the key.

Roublot enters the kids' club while they are away, and he trashes the place. So now this guy is breaking, entering and damaging private property? Damn! The kids arrive just in time to hear Roublot, and hide when he leaves in frustration. At this point the kids are starting to wonder why Roublot has been harassing them so much lately.

The horse is repaired, and Roublot notices a man delivering the horse. He telephones Schiapa, who in turn orders his two remaining men (Mallart is still in jail) to fetch the horse. The two professional crooks are insulted, but they leave.

"Real men use Burma-Shave. Remember that, gentlemen."

The kids play with their horse happily, but their happiness is short-lived when the two thieves abduct the horse (not knowing that the key is no longer inside), and return it to Schiapa. At this point, the kids are really wondering why the hell anyone would care so much about the damn horse. They report the theft to Sinet, and Sinet promises to start a full-blown search for it. Sinet feels that two strange men snatching a piece of garbage is unusual and worth investigating, and thankfully this would be an accurate gut feeling.

The redheaded boy is the first to suggest that maybe there was something very valuable in their horse, before it broke. They dig through Marion's grandpa's collection and find the key.

Schiapa and his men find no key in the horse, and they are convinced that the kids have it. They are correct; the kids quickly put two and two together, and they figure out that the key is what the men, Roublot included, are after.

The children realize that the key is to the carnival factory, and they enter. They see a bunch of freaky masks, yet they are excited to see said masks! Why are they so thrilled? These trinkets strike me as spooky!

Give a boy enough rope, and he'll... well, you know.

The kids whoop and holler about like complete morons for about five minutes (seriously), then suddenly Fernand and Marion become serious and say, "Be quiet! We're not here to play!" They're hypocrites; they were just as loud and rowdy as the others, and suddenly they become "those" people? Jeez, their mood swings are legendary. Fortunately, this movie actually successfully made me laugh once, and it was because of this joke: Fernand acts all serious and leader-like, but he's wearing a really stupid mask while doing so. It's a cheap gag, but it came out of nowhere and struck me as cute.

One of the kids stumbles on the francs. He claims nothing of interest is in that room, yet he takes some of the francs and then offers to buy a trinket from one of the other kids. [?] The other kids notice the new francs in the kid's possession, and they enter the money-filled room. They find the francs and realize that this is the connection with the Horse Without a Head. We just came full circle!

Schiapa and his men (Roublot included) arrive and attempt to terrorize the children, but in an embarrassingly hokey madcap ending (starting with the old "fireworks-which-sound-like-bullets-to-the-ears-of-the-antagonists" trick), Schiapa and his men, who had spent the entire duration of this movie being intimidating and slick robbers, become absolute laughingstocks. Schiapa is the worst case; he had been cool, calculating and threatening this entire time, but now he's even goofier than Marv and Harry from Home Alone. Marion uses her tried-and-true dog call, Roublot falls in a vat of green goop, and Schiapa gets scared silly by the tricks the carnival factory has to offer. Poor Roublot; he went from being malicious to being silly, all in a blink of an eye!

Roublot is covered in Smurf guts!

Sinet and his men arrive, and everything is resolved: the francs are returned and delivered safely, the crooks are thrown in jail, and Sinet is unable to pay the kids with a monetary reward.

Hold the trumpet! What was that last part, Sinny?

"It's not in the practice of our banks to make such rewards."

Yeah, sure, okay. These kids were nearly killed several times, stopped some of France's most notorious crooks from stealing 100,000,000 francs, and pretty much did the police's work. They totally don't deserve a monetary reward! Nope. Not at all.

However, they are given a reward that isn't currency-related! They 1) get their horse without a head back, and 2) Jerome becomes the official traffic director, so the children can play with their horse safely. What a gyp.

The kids sing one more rousing chorus of that "Horse Without a Head" anthem, and, what do you know, THE END. A WALT DISNEY PRODUCTION.

So, it comes down to answering this question. Is this movie bad? To be honest, I don't think it is. I mean, it's not really a good movie, but I don't regret watching it. It's very standard, as far as Disney features go. There are some strong performances, with Leo McKern being the strongest performance, I think, though Aumont is charismatic and likeable, even though he didn't really do anything. Herbert Lom wasn't as menacing or active as Roublot, but he did a serviceable job with his role.

Fernand was a bit "gee-whiz!", but Pamela Franklin's Marion was the most interesting child. The children are actually one of this film's biggest problems; there's too many of them. Marion is the kid with the most depth, and Fernand is explored to some extent, but the other three kids might as well not even exist, because they are just there. The redheaded kid had the bright idea that maybe the horse had something of value inside, whoop-dee-doo. You could have had Marion or Fernand make that connection, and not have three extra weights trudging about.

The movie doesn't really kick off until about an hour in, and considering that this film is only 89 minutes, that's not too great of a thing. One gets tired of watching kids ride that damned horse over and over, and wishes for action to pick up. But when the action does pick up, it ends in a goofy "toys versus grown men" scenario reminiscent of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

But despite my criticisms, this movie is watchable. I probably won't watch it ever again, and I pretty much forgot about it after I turned off the television set, but worse Disney movies do exist. I would say that this movie is very standard--not bad, but nothing special.

I wouldn't recommend going out of your way just to watch this movie, but if you do see it at a video rental store or something and you are curious to check out a made-for-TV film that isn't terrible, giving this flick a watch is a safe bet. Child of Glass is actually superior, but that film isn't a masterpiece, either. I will review that film sometime in the near future.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to sing an obsessive anthem that praises my Wii.

** out of ****

BONUS MP3! The Horse Without a Head theme.
CLICK HERE!