Post by Maleficent on Oct 16, 2009 19:29:48 GMT -8
Sam Raimi is sleeping peacefully in his bed, until a massive earthquake stirs him from his slumber. He sits up on his bed and looks around his quaking room in fright, when, suddenly, the floor below his bed quivers and chips away, revealing a burning glow of inferno light. Decomposed, skeletal hands spring from the hole and harmfully grab Raimi.
Sam Raimi: "No! No, please!"
Alas, it is too late for the filmmaker. Sam Raimi is dragged into hell, and before long, stands (in his pajamas) before the Power of Darkness, Satan.
Raimi: "Are... you...?"
Satan: "Duh."
Behind Raimi, a horde of demon underlings materialize and firmly grab Raimi, preventing him from attempting escape.
Raimi: "But what am I doing here?!"
Satan: "You'll find out soon enough. We should commence the trial."
Raimi: "Trial? But..."
Satan: "What? You'd rather skip the trial--your one-shot chance of redemption--and just drop right into eternity of damnation and torment?"
Raimi: "No!"
Satan: "Gravy. Let's go!"
Satan snaps his fingers, and the once barren Hell frontier transforms into a grotesque kangaroo court. Satan serves as judge, the twelve members of the jury consist of various evil-doers from long ago, and two prosecutors (no defense attorneys) are Benedict Arnold and Joseph McCarthy.
Joseph McCarthy: "Time to do something evil!"
Benedict Arnold: "I swear, my actions are justified!"
Sam Raimi: "Huh? But what about my counsel for the defense?"
Satan: "Oohhh-ho-ho, no! not that! I learned my lesson from Daniel Webster."
Raimi: "Well, why do I get two prosecutors?"
Arnold: "Because I skimped out on the aforementioned Daniel Webster case."
Satan: "Shall we begin?"
Joseph McCarthy: "Ready~!"
Benedict Arnold: "Ready~!"
Jury: "Ready~!"
All in Unison (save for Raimi): "Ready!"
Satan: "Mr. Sam Raimi. You are under trial for directing the cinematic blackhole of goodwill: Spider-Man 3."
Sam Raimi: "... Crap."
Satan: "Is that all you have to say for yourself?"
Sam Raimi: "But Spider-Man 3 has a 62% on RottenTomatoes.com! That's Fresh!"
Benedict Arnold: "With all due respect, Mr. Raimi, there are far more fools in Earth than there are legitimately smart men."
Joseph McCarthy: "Yeah! Like me!"
Sam Raimi: "But... But there were worse Marvel movie adaptations!"
Satan: "That is a matter of opinion. But even with that argument, the Spider-Man film franchise was truly something noticeable and unique before the third movie."
Raimi: "And what about X-Men?"
Satan: "Oh, that's already been taken care of."
Raimi: "What was the verdict?"
Jury: "Guilty!"
Raimi: [gulp]
Satan: "So, the odds aren't looking good."
Benedict Arnold: "You should just surrender now."
Joseph McCarthy: "Of course you would suggest that, Eggs Benedict!"
Benedict Arnold: "Damn it, I told you to stop calling me that!"
Sam Raimi: "But I did the Evil Dead movies! Doesn't that excuse me?!"
Satan: "Nah. The damage has been done. Unless you can convince us that you'll redeem yourself in the very near future, you're... well, you know the expression concerning Hell and a snowball?"
Sam Raimi: [closes his eyes and quickly thinks, for the sake of his soul]
McCarthy: "Ash is stupid, anyway. He's a total rip-off of Duke Nukem."
Arnold: "Is that true?"
Satan: [rolls his eyes and face-palms] "I really hate that McCarthy."
Raimi: [opens his eyes] "Okay."
Satan: [looks to the defendant] "You're giving up?"
Raimi: "Satan, if I may, I would like to take my one shot of redemption."
Satan: "Oh, goodie!" [licks his red lips and rubs his palms together] "I love this part!"
Obsidian: "Me, too!"
McCarthy: "You, jury member! Pipe down!"
Obsidian: "Whatever."
Satan: "You may take your single chance to defend your soul, whenever you're ready."
Sam Raimi: [under his breath] "Here goes nothing."
Benedict Arnold: "What is on your mind?"
Sam Raimi: "If I were to go free, back to Earth and live the rest of my life, I would promptly get started on a new 'baby' of mine."
Arnold: "Huh?"
Raimi: "A new movie."
Arnold: "Oh, one of those."
Satan: "A new film? Go on; you have my interest."
Raimi: "Well, Satan, it would be a movie concerning... Hell."
Satan: [eyes widen with interest] "Keep going."
Raimi: "Well, I'm getting ahead of myself. The movie would star... uh... oh, I know! Alison Lohman! I like her."
Satan: "Alison Lohman? You mean that chick that kinda looks like Johnny Depp?"
Raimi: "That's the one!"
McCarthy: "And?"
Sam Raimi: "Lohman would play Christine, a pretty, young woman who used to be a fat girl."
Arnold: "Why?"
Sam Raimi: "To fatten her character depth."
A skeleton comically stings his drum.
Raimi: "Christine is a bank worker who desperately tries to be promoted to assistant manager, but she is thwarted by a jerk of a co-worker. Soon, Christine is visited by an old gypsy woman named Ganush."
Satan: "A gypsy woman, you say?"
Raimi: "Right. Christine has a big decesion to make: either give Ganush a third extension of her mortgage, or to turn her down. Christine, in an attempt to get the promotion, does the 'big, bold' thing and turns the old gypsy down. This proves to be a bad mistake! Ganush curses Christine, to--"
Satan: "To be thinner?"
Raimi: "Yes! What? No! What?"
Satan: "Have you ever heard of Stephen King's Thinner? This is sounding a lot like it."
Raimi: "No, no! It's pretty different, I swear!"
Satan: "I was just messing with you. Ho, ho! Continue."
Sam Raimi: "So, uh, Christine soon realizes that she is cursed, and in three day's time, she'll go to Hell for eternity... unless she does something about it!"
Satan: "Hmm..."
Benedict Arnold: "What say you, Satan?"
McCarthy: "Yeah, what do you think?"
Sam Raimi: "..."
Satan: "I have to be honest, Mr. Raimi... I really like that premise."
Raimi, Arnold and McCarthy: "You do?!"
Satan: "I have a few questions, though. The first is, what kind of tone would this movie be?"
Raimi: "Uh... Well, it would have an inherent sense of humor, but it'd mostly be a horror film through-and-through."
Satan: "Like Evil Dead?"
Raimi: "Well, not as obviously funny as those movies. Or... maybe as funny, but the tone of humor would be different. It really depends on your personality; you could either really laugh at this movie, or just be creeped out. Or... both?"
Satan: "And for those who detest comedy/horror films?"
Raimi: "Then they might not like the movie, but I don't know..."
Satan: "Hmmm. Very well. Next question: What would this movie be rated?"
Sam Raimi: "That.... is harder to say."
Satan: "How come?"
Sam Raimi: "Well, the MPAA is very hypocritical and unpredictable nowadays. It could either be a PG-13 film, or even R-rated, for all I know."
McCarthy: "PG-13? Ha!"
Sam Raimi: "But a PG-13 rating wouldn't hurt it."
Satan: "Why do you say that?"
Sam Raimi: "Because every single damn movie is being released unrated in home release."
Satan: "Even if it's only just nine extra seconds of computer-generated gore?"
Sam Raimi: "I... uh, yes."
Satan: "My next question is... will this movie look good?"
Sam Raimi: "It will... look more or less like some of my other movies, I guess."
Satan: "You mean good in some areas, but really hokey and silly in others?"
Sam Raimi: "Yes. I want to retain that campy-yet-spooky feeling."
Satan: "Are there any terrifying moments?"
Sam Raimi: "That just depends on how brave you are. If you're a serious wimp, then this movie will devour you. But if you're a seasoned horror movie watcher, this movie shouldn't keep you awake at night. There are some gross-out moments, too! Like phlegm from the mouth, a fly forcing its way into Christine's mouth, a possessed scarf forcing itself into Christine's mouth (almost), Ganush shoving her fist into Christine's mouth, a slew of maggots spilling into Christine's mouth, bile going into--what?"
Satan, McCarthy and Arnold: "... Dude, you have a serious mouth fetish."
Sam Raimi: "Hehe. Whoops."
Satan: "Next question. What's the ending like?"
Raimi: "What, you want me to spoil it?"
Satan: "I don't mind spoilers. But... very well. Come closer, and just whisper it into my ear. Don't be afraid; I'm not going to bite you... yet."
Sam quietly approaches the large Satan, as the Prince of This World lowers his head to Raimi's level, to listen to a whisper. Arnold and McCarthy watch Satan's facial reactions to the spoiled movie ending.
Satan: "Mm-hmm? HAHAHA!!" [throws his head up and roars in laughter] "Are you serious?! I could have seen that coming a millennium away!"
Sam Raimi: "So... you don't... like it?" [backs away]
Satan: "I kinda like it, but... that ending... well, okay. I'll give you it."
Sam Raimi: "You... mean..."
Satan: "Final question! Will this movie suck, like Spider-Man 3?"
Sam Raimi: "No! It won't suck as much as that movie! This movie is for fans of comedy and horror, and if you're not among that crowd, there is a strong chance that you won't appreciate Drag Me to Hell. But if you do like that sort of thing, then my movie would certainly be worth a viewing."
Satan: "... Hmm."
Sam Raimi: "So, what does the jury think?"
Satan: "Oh, they're just there for show. I actually make the call."
Sam Raimi: "Huh?"
Satan: "Mr. Raimi... if this movie turns out EXACTLY like you told me just now, then... you are free to return to Earth. You have redeemed yourself."
Sam Raimi: "All right!"
Arnold and McCarthy: "Damn!"
Satan: "But ONLY if you keep your promise, and not make another Spider-Man 3. Got it?"
Raimi: "Deal! You bet!"
And so Sam Raimi was brought back to his plane of existence, to, indeed, create the not terrific, but nevertheless fun Drag Me to Hell. It probably won't completely excuse him for the raw suckage of Spider-Man 3, but it's a start.
Meanwhile, Satan cracked his knuckles.
Satan: "Well, Raimi went free. Who's next?"
Benedict Arnold: "I believe Mr. Don Bluth."
Satan: "Oh, right! Let's see him try and redeem himself for A Troll in Central Park!"
*** out of ****
Note: Yes, I am aware that Sam Raimi evidently wrote Drag Me to Hell before any of the Spider-Man films. But this review wouldn't have been so fun if I were more grounded into reality, right? And besides, Spider-Man 3 sucks. It deserves the first-grade Joseph beating!
