Post by magicmirror on Mar 21, 2010 20:01:17 GMT -8
CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE TRAILER!
Filmation's last movie. The company died after this movie's release. Did Filmation go out with a bang?
I've wanted to review this movie for a long time, and now it's finally happening! I couldn't be happier. I wanted to review this movie because 1) the movie deserves such a review and 2) I thought it would be interesting to discuss an 'unofficial' sequel to Snow White in an RPG forum where there are several Snow White characters. Please ponder over this question, friend: exactly how good does a movie that desperately wants to be a sequel to a Disney film, but is not itself a Disney film sound? You can predict now, and you'd probably be right.
But before the review begins, I'm afraid I must subject you to a brief history lesson. Have you ever heard of Filmation? Founded by Lou Scheimer and Norm Prescott, Filmation (defunct as of when this movie was released) was actually a very prominent production company for television between the 1960s and 1980s. You may not recognize the name now, or tell me any of its products off the top of your head, but I'm certain that if I told you some of Filmation's properties you would immediately recognize said properties.
How about "Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids?" Or what about "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe?" Or if you're a girl, what about "She-Ra: Princess of Power?" That's right. Those franchises should be very familiar. Even if you've never seen a single episode of any of those old shows, you are likely to at least be aware of them, let alone know what they are.
Filmation was the production company of those three classic cartoon shows. But not all of Filmation's catalog was animated; there were some live-action productions, too. Of course, I've never had the pleasure (I guess?) of watching any of the live-action series. It doesn't matter if I ever watch the live-action shows, really, because Filmation is unquestionably best known for those animated series I mentioned.
Unfortunately, Filmation is also notorious for producing theatrical feature-length movies that were sequels to preexisting films/stories. And now we reach the subject of Happily Ever After (1993), a sequel to Snow White that has no connections with Disney whatsoever. This is not the first time Filmation attempted this, though. Filmation connected with the 1939 MGM classic The Wizard of Oz by producing an animated sequel called Journey Back to Oz, which was released in the early 1970s. In December of 1987, Filmation released a movie sequel to Pinocchio titled Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night.
So as you can see, Filmation's movies weren't exactly original. Happily Ever After is not the first time Filmation visited a preexisting work and made its own sequel to it. But it was the last time. After the commercial and critical failure of Happily Ever After, Filmation was rendered bankrupt and closed its doors permanently, ending its nearly quarter of a century existence. That's not surprising. Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night had an equally negative release. I don't recall any Filmation-produced shows in the 1990s, and because Pinocchio/Emperor was an abject failure, it's easy to understand that, at the time of Happily Ever After, Filmation was on its last legs.
With its production completed in 1988, but not released until 1993 (according to a couple of sources), Happily Ever After was Filmation's last-ditch attempt to stay in business. Unfortunately, I already confirmed that the movie failed, and sealed Filmation's doom.
But... does this movie really deserve such treatment? Is Happily Ever After truly inexcusable garbage, or is it a misunderstood gem? Let's find out, and finally kick off the review at last!
The film opens with a recapitulation of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. This is presented via sketches projected by the Magic Mirror. The mirror, who is the narrator, is voiced by... the late Vincent Price?! Is that really you, Vincent? Actually, no. It's the late Dom DeLuise! With how poorly preserved this movie is (I have the official DVD copy), Dom's voice kinda sounds like Vincent Price's at the beginning. Weird! Anyway, I'm very sad that Dom DeLuise voices a character in this movie. When the great Dom passed away last May, I promised I would avoid bad movies with Dom's talent. Unfortunately, 90% or so of the movies I wanted to review had Dom in them, so I reached a compromise: I would be soft on Dom, and be cruel to anything else that deserved it. The same goes for this review!
Taaaaaake ooooooon meeeeeeee (Take on me!)/Taaaaaaaaake meeeeeeeeeee oooooooooon (Take on me!)...
The Magic Mirror, who mostly speaks in rhyme, reassures the audience that they're about to watch the continuing adventures of Snow White and her prince. Oh, goody! The movie's title is prominently displayed over (synthesized) fanfare, but said fanfare is abruptly cut off by a bad movie edit. Uh-oh. This can't be good. We cut to a short scene of a red dragon flying towards what kinda looks like the Ivory Tower from The NeverEnding Story.
"I never knew it was that beautiful..."
The "Ivory Tower" is actually the castle of the Wicked Queen, who we all know antagonized Snow White. The Queen is dead, and her castle is inhabited by what looks like every rejected cartoon villain's sidekick. That's odd; I don't recall the Queen having such minions and goons. Maleficent, sure, but not the Queen! The freaks could not be happier that their Queen is dead. They party around like it's 999.
The two most prominent ex-goons are Scowl (Ed Asner!), a cigar-chomping owl who coughs very often, and Batso (Frank Welker!), a timid yet witty bat. These two characters exchange unfunny jokes until the party is interrupted by an unwelcome visitor. No, it's not Maleficent. It's a man who really, really likes to scream.
Gee, I wonder if he's the villain?
This guy is actually--get this--the Wicked Queen's brother. His name is Lord Maliss (get it?!), and he is the movie's principal villain. He learns from the Magic Mirror (named the Looking Glass in this movie) that his sister is dead, because of Snow White and her Prince. Even though neither Snow White nor the Prince killed the Queen. Anyway, remember how cool Disney's Magic Mirror is? With the creepy mask-like face, the smoke, the eerie music, and the voice? Strip away all of those. That's right; in Happily Ever After, the character is a doofus clown... who just so happens to be voiced by Dom DeLuise. Maliss (Malcolm McDowell, huh?!) is even more annoying, and that's really bad because, well, since he is such a prominent character in the film, having an irritating villain with a huge amount of screen time is enough to kill a story.
Maliss vows to avenge her fallen sister. He also claims ownership of the castle and its minions. With his powers he distorts, twists, and changes the land surrounding the castle, forming all of it into a Realm of Doom. Maliss says, and I quote: "I shall have one purpose, and one purpose only... VENGEANCE! Snow White and her handsome Prince shall pay for what has happened to my sister!"
Well, Maliss loved his sister enough to embark on a single-minded revenge plot. That's admirable, I guess! But who exactly is Maliss? Why did he arrive just now? I waited for the movie to explain his relation with the Queen a bit more, but it never happens. Without a much-needed sequence to establish the siblings' relationship, Maliss's presence just feels like Filmation said, "he's our villain because we need a villain." Bugger.
"Now go with the curse, and serve me well! Round the Queen's castle; cast my spell!"
During the evil lord's rage, every goon either hides or shudders away. They're terrified of Maliss, and I can't blame them! After all, I'd probably hide, too, if a total stranger barged into this house, screamed his head off about revenge, and never explained himself to me. I sympathize, freaks. I sympathize. Maliss gets on with his plot right away. He transforms into a red dragon (so it was him all along!), and he flies off, to search for Snow White and her Prince.
After Lord Maliss departs, the goons come out of their hiding, Scowl the Owl flutters and lands on a table, and begins to rap. Yes, you heard right. Ed Asner raps. And it's just as awful as it sounds. Thank goodness Edward Asner redeemed himself by voicing the amazing Carl Fredricksen.
He even moonwalks, for God's sake. Why is this scene here? This wouldn't even pass as an awful Snow White fanfic.
But admittedly, this abysmal song ends on a shot that is disturbing and unsettling in its own right. As the song ends, Scowl coughs so profusely that he is launched out the window, and he leaves behind an egg [!!!]. What the hell?!
I have nothing, absolutely nothing to say about this...
Seriously. A male owl laying an egg. It's obviously in there as a visual gag, but it's not funny. It creeps me out greatly! I'm disturbed. I'm unsettled. This movie is disquieting, and it's not even beyond the 10 minute mark yet! Egg...
Scowl, who always orders Batso to follow him, leave to get on Maliss's good side, to assist with capturing Snow White.
Meanwhile, in Rainbow Land...!
We cut to a very pretty field where Snow White and her Prince are on a horse.
"Get on my horse! I'll take you 'round the universe, and all the other places, too!
Here's what Snow White looks like in this movie. Fine, I'll accept it.
And here's the Prince. Oh, wow. He looks like He-Man!
No kidding! He looks like He-Man. I know it's not surprising that different products from the same animation company can look similar to others (a la Disney), but in this particular film the resemblance is humorous. Prince Florian and the Masters of the Universe!
"I HAVE BUT ONE SOOOONG!!"
In this movie, Snow White is voiced by Irene Cara, whom you might remember as the voice of Marylin the fairy in The Magic Voyage. She's less annoying as Snow White than as Marylin, but it's still obvious that she's a better singer than an actress. Her Academy Award for Best Original Song serves as evidence.
Snow White and the Prince are happily in love, and plan to marry soon. In fact, they're on their way to the seven dwarfs' cottage so they can invite them to attend the wedding. On the merry way, though, Snow White and the prince stop so the beautiful Snow White may pick gorgeous flowers for her dwarf friends. Aww, how sweet. Too bad it's ruined by an oncoming dragon, and a hapless duo consisting of a meek bat and an owl who can lay eggs.
The dragon swoops down, grabs Snow White, and attempts to fly away. Prince He-Man is pissed off by this, and rides his horse after the dragon. The prince waits until the dragon is over a safe clearing before shooting an arrow at the dragon. This causes the beast to drop Snow White on the ground. The dragon pulls a u-trn and then dives after Snow White. Snow White grabs a stick and tells the mean brute to go away. Hardcore! At the same time, Scowl turns his head 360 degrees [?] and says to his bat, "Watch this! I'll get her from behind!" [!!!]
Wow. This owl is very sick, indeed!
Because Scowl and the Maliss dragon dived at the same time, all Snow White had to do to avoid both was duck, and allow the two villains to collide with one another. Snow White then takes this time to follow Prince He-Man's suggestion: run into the forest and don't stop. She does this and avoids Maliss, but Prince He-Man (and Scowl) aren't so lucky. Scowl is thrown against a tree but survives, while the dragon transforms back into his Maliss form and, through the power of his eyeballs, knocks Prince He-Man out cold.
In the forest, Snow White avoids some scary situations (very much like in the Disney film), and winds up at the dwarfs' mine. There's no key on the side of the entrance, though! Damn it. She searches the mine but the dwarfs are nowhere to be found. Then she finally returns to their cottage but inconveniently runs out of energy right at their door. She literally collapses on the mat, with her hand on the door! It's quite humorous.
She wakes up the next morning in a bathtub full of ice, without a kidney. No, that's not funny. She wakes up the next morning inside the cottage, on one of the beds. You want to know what's the first thing she does after waking up? I'll tell you. She approaches a mirror, examines herself and tends to her hair, and then she spins happily. What the hell? Your fiancé is missing, probably murdered, and the first thing on your mind is making sure you look pretty? What a selfish, deplorable hussy! I don't remember Disney's Snow White being this vain!
This interior reminds me very much of an inn from "Final Fantasy IX."
Snow White gets a drink from inside the cottage, and then steps outside. In the daylight, she notices that the seven dwarfs' cottage has expanded greatly. Or have they? Then Snow White notices a clothesline of dresses and other such feminine laundry. Those couldn't possibly be worn by the seven dwarfs! Or could they?
Nope! They're worn by the supposed-to-be-but-aren't-quite funny cousins of the dwarfs, the dwarfelles. The Dwarfelles consist of, erm, seven female dwarfs. It turns out Snow White's seven friends moved to a new kingdom. That was a... pretty hasty move!
Snow White hears a character cry. She looks and finds a cute, young dwarfelle with red hair reminiscent of Strawberry Shortcake. She's sad because she's really crappy with her elemental power (lightning). This dwarfelle (named Thunderella) does kinda look cute, but she becomes grating as soon as she speaks: she's voiced by Tracey Ullman. I happen to like Tracey Ullman, but she uses a really irritating, nasal-y voice for this character that's nothing short of maddening. It's only one step above, say, Hugo's voice.
And to add salt to the wound, she sings a song! Remember when I said that this movie was reportedly finished in 1988, but not released until 1993? It looks and sounds like it; not only is the music all done by synthesizers without an orchestra of any kind, the sound and visuals all look very dated and poorly preserved, clearly indicating its 80s production values. Sadly, the songs are no exception; Thunderella's song sounds like a really bad knock-off of a Cyndi Lauper song, particularly "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." Take a gander!
And what the hell is with all the panty shots? What, were the animators frickin' perverts?
After the song, Snow White is introduced to the seven dwarfelles, who serve as Snow White's friends in this movie.
There's Muddy, voiced by Carol Channing (if she sings "Marry the Mole," I swear to God I will hurt someone!), and has the element of the earth and a penchant for mud.
Sunburn the heat elemental, voiced by Sally Kellerman, with a tan to rival Bob Barker and a voice that couldn't not fit her character any more!
Blossom, a Tinker Bell Movie-esque flower elemental voiced by Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Marina, voiced by the late Linda Gary, is the dwarfelle who fetters in water and has water-based powers.
Critterina, also voiced by Linda Gary who, besides having the stupidest name of the lot, can speak to animals and tame most of them. I don't know why, but Critterina frightens me. I think it's because she's like a furry, except without the suit...
Moonbeam, also voiced by Tracey Ullman but you won't notice because she barely ever speaks (or does anything for that matter) in the film. She is in charge of night. She's awake in the night and sleepwalks in the day.
And, of course, the failure pile known as Thunderella. Wanna hear her song again? No? I didn't think so! Thunderella has been called into review by Mother Nature, which has supposedly never happened before.
Snow White introduces herself, and the dwarfelles immediately recognize the name. They ask if she had married Prince He-Man yet. Snow White answers that they were on their way to invite the dwarfs, but they were antagonized by the dragon. Or "bird," according to Snow White. Dumbass! Snow White then cries because she's worried about Prince He-Man.
What? You worshiped your own morning breath in the mirror, but now you're concerned about the man in love with you? It's too late for redemption, Heart Black! The dwarfelles decide to help Snow White by taking her to see Mother Nature, after Thunderella's ominous review.
Hey, I'm reviewing Thunderella right now! What a coincidence! *makes a raspberry* Funny.
Back at Castle de Maliss, the Looking Glass is forced to show Maliss where Snow White is heading: Rainbow Falls, where Mother Nature resides. Maliss loudly proclaims his hatred of Scowl for his accidental interference, and vows to kill him when he finds him. Scowl, in hiding, hears this, and moves with Batso to a better hiding spot.
They approach Mother Nature in time to discover that Mother Nature is a really annoying woman who likes to sing. And she's voiced by Phyllis Diller, who previously had appeared in one of my reviews in Alice Through the Looking Glass! What's with all of these same actors appearing in lame movies? It's weird how Dom DeLuise and Irene Cara appeared together in The Magic Voyage. Maybe Prince He-Man should have been voiced by Corey Feldman?
On their way to Mother Nature, a monkey makes a cameo appearance. It looks just like the monkey in Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night! I have to admit, that's a pretty clever cameo appearance.
HE HAS NO STYLE! HE HAS NO GRACE! THIS KONG HAS A FUNNY FACE!
They finally meet Mother Nature. She sings a song that's grossly inappropriate for the Snow White universe, but admittedly not as... well, bad as Scowl's song. Mother Nature makes a lot of creatures, but all of them are botched/screwed up. Mother Nature kinda sucks at her job! Her assistant is a snooty, anthropomorphic flower.
The way Mother Nature shakes her ass and gyrates her chest is surprisingly nauseating.
After the song ends (thank goodness!), Mother Nature says that Thunderella isn't the only lacking dwarfelle with elemental powers: all of them are. Evidently, she assigned the dwarfelles their elemental powers, but because they either can't control their spectacularly, or choose to use said powers for their own selfish needs, Mother Nature is annoyed and threatens to remove them. This is almost final, until the red dragon attacks. Fortunately for Snow White and the dwarfelles, Mother Nature easily defeats the dragon's surprise attack. The dragon turns back into Maliss, and he screams awfully, "Stand back, wo-man! This is none of your affair!"
I'm sorry, Malcolm McDowell, but you suck in this movie. Your performance here is atrocious, and that's coming from someone who had just watched Hugo.
Anyway, Maliss can't possibly succeed in Mother Nature's realm, but he invites (read: lures) Snow White to follow him to his Realm of Doom. Maliss taunts Snow White by asking her if she wants to know what happened to Prince He-Man. She does, but instead of answering Maliss transforms into his dragon form again and flies away, back to his castle.
"[Maliss] looks terrible!" cries Thunderella.
"Unbelievable, my dear!" retorts Blossom. "He was wearing last year's cape!"
Unbelievable, not-such-a-terrific-acting-job Zsa Zsa Gabor! That joke wasn't the least bit funny!
Snow White asks Mother Nature if the elemental dwarfelles could assist her in rescuing Prince He-Man. Mother Nature agrees, and informs the dwarfelles that assisting Snow White to success will be their last chance to redeem themselves.
In order to reach the Realm of Doom, the party has to clear the seven pines, the seven peaks, and a large cave. Well, they clear the seven pines and seven peaks in ten seconds! Thanks, dissolving camera! But there's still the cave to worry about. Since it's dark, Sunburn uses her powers to (successfully) illuminate the cave. As they walk, they marvel at the beauty of the cavern.
What, are they in the Nome King's domain?
Stone Lackey: "Your Majesty! Snow White and her friends have discovered the Seven Peak Cavern, and are on their way to the Realm of Doom."
Unseen Nome King: "Good, good. They won't get past... Maliss!"
Stone Lackey: "..."
They press on, as a strange creature stalks the party. What does this creature look like? Here's a screen grab.
... That's Orko!
That's Orko! That's [freakin'] Orko! It can't be anyone else but Orko! It's no one but Orko! If you thought the Prince in this movie bears a passing resemblance to He-Man, just compare these two characters!
"Hee-Maaaan! Heee-Maaaan! Heeeelp!"
Again, it's not uncommon for two characters from the same animation company to look similar to each other, but... damn!
Orko obviously doesn't want the party to make it to Lord Maliss, so he uses his staff to push a boulder from a cliff, down to block the exit of the cavern. The dwarfelles notice Orko, and are none too happy. Muddy points to him and exclaims, "Get that shadow man!"
"ARE YOU READY?! ARE YOU... READY?!"
The dwarfelles chase after Orko, but Sunburn trips and collides on a loose pillar that tumbles, and creates an avalanche of stone. Snow White and the dwarfelles manage to avoid the falling rocks, but Orko isn't as lucky; a pillar falls and lands on his right foot, trapping him in place. Snow White actually shows sympathy to Orko, but the dwarfelles don't trust him. Sunburn even suggests that Orko works for Maliss, but Orko vehemently negates this. Of course, he can't speak beyond garbled gibberish. Alas, before anything else can be said, a flash flood occurs, and sweeps everyone away, down a slippery slope. Cue mini-game!
Everyone except for Orko (who is missing) lands safely in a large puddle of mud, much to Muddy's delight. Snow White expresses great concern over Orko, and feels bad for not being able to free him in time. She also prays that he's alive and well. But enough of this sentimentality; our heroines notice Castle Grayskull in the distance, at the heart of the Realm of Doom. The dwarfelles are hopeful that the prince is watching them from the safety of a tower, unharmed. The party couldn't be gloomier.
But Maliss, who is watching the party via the Looking Glass, couldn't be happier. "PER-fect!" he screams like a chicken prone to night terrors. "SOON I shall have my re-VENGE!" Yes, Maliss, soon you will have your re-VENGE, and maybe soon you will shut the HELL up, be-CAUSE your SCREA-ming is an-NOYing the CRAP out of ME!"
The Looking Glass points out a big flaw in Maliss's plan. If it's too foggy (which it is), then Snow White and her friends would likely not find a clear-cut way to reach the castle. Maliss takes this to heart, and retreats to the dungeon where his beastly doggies reside. It just so happens that Scowl and Batso (remember them? Yeah, they're still in the movie) are hiding here. Unfortunately for them, after the dogs are set loose to kill the dwarfelles and retrieve Snow White, Scowl is discovered by Maliss. He grabs the rapping owl and not-so-subtly indicates that he'll torture and/or kill the owl.
We cut to a shot of the castle, followed by a pan that returns to the heroines, who have set up a campfire.
I gotta be honest, I think this is actually a really pretty shot. Props, Filmation, for this frame!
Around the campfire, various attempts at comic relief are made. Critterina tries to tame a bizarre lizard that is obviously not one with Mother Nature, but fails. Sunburn accidentally burns her ass (how ironic!) and screams "Yow!" This gag fails miserably, and not becuase it's not funny. It would've actually been an acceptable (albeit stock) cartoon gag, but the problem is the voice acting versus the animation; when her ass is burned, Sunburn is animated like, "YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!" You know? Really, really violent scream and exaggerated waving. Sally Kellerman's voice, however, only works up a pitiful "Yow!" It's grossly inappropriate for the animation! Sadly, much can be said about Kellerman's portrayal of Sunburn; it just doesn't fit the character's design and animations well. A miscast, if you will. For one last gag in this sequence, Blossom attempts to grow flowers around the camp, but the odorous fog in the Realm of Doom quickly render the flowers wilted.
That's when Maliss's doggies arrive, and surround Snow White and the dwarfelles. Snow White picks up a stick from the campfire and holds it up, warning the doggies. Not bad, Snow White. Unfortunately, this doesn't flinch the doggies. Critterina attempts to tame them, but this doesn't work, either. Moonbeam wakes up now, since it's night time... which doesn't make sense, because for the last ten or so minutes she was clearly seen with her eyes open and reacting normally to the environment, but whatever. Moonbeam doesn't do squat, so she's just a waste. There's only one option left: run!
Snow White and the dwarfelles run as fast as they can, away from the pursuing doggies. This is the worst scene in the whole movie, from an artistic standpoint. Why? Because 1) Snow White has the goofiest run I've ever seen for an animated character, and 2) this goofy animation is repeated six times in less than a minute. Six times. Not counting the same animation earlier in the film when she ran in the dark forest, this animation is recycled seven times! Even Disney wasn't that serious with their recycled animation!
The doggies corner Snow White and the dwarfelles (seriously, Snow White and the Dwarfelles are sounding more and more like a girl rock band) at a cliff. When they're about to kiss their asses goodbye, Muddy points and shouts, "Look! It's the shadow man!"
"YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANT, BUT YOU LOST WHAT YOU HAD!"
No, it's Orko! Orko knocks over a large tree which serves as a bridge for the heroines. They cross it, and the dwarfelles, Snow White, and Orko push the tree over, making the dogs fall down. Maliss, watching this from the comfort of his Looking Glass, is enraged. He vows to handle this "personally." Maybe he should have handled this matter "personally" from the start. I mean, his powers alone twisted and distorted miles of land, and ripped huge trees right from the grown easily. With this power, couldn't he have just pulled a Dr. Manhattan, make Snow White explode into a bloody mess, and call it a day? Eh, whatever. He turns into Puff the Red Dragon and flies away.
Snow White and the dwarfelles (PERFORMING LIVE IN OAKLAND!) are resting, but Snow White wakes up and notices Orko trying to sneak away. Snow White looks after him. We see the back of Snow White clearly, and if you look closely you may notice that the design of the ends of her hair is a blatant knock-off of Princess Aurora's. Anyway, Snow White catches up with Orko and compliments him for his helpfulness and eerily familiar vibe, as if he were a friend she knew.
Snow White offers Orko to follow them, and then she heads back for the dwarfelles. Orko looks at his reflection on the water and angrily splashes his reflection away.
Okay, it's obvious. We all know what's up. But why ruin the false surprise now?!
But Snow White is soon captured by Maliss. As the dragon, Maliss abducts Snow White and returns to the castle, leaving Orko and the dwarfelles watching in agony. As this goes on, Scowl is tied to a medieval Rube Goldberg device. Basically, he's tied to a rope and dangled over a dangerous cauldron.
"OH, NO!! IT'S BOILING ACID!!"
Actually, I think it's oil. Anyway, his rope is being burned by a candle, and we all know what happens should the rope eventually snap. Batso attempts to save him, and he succeeds (but not in the way either of them wanted). Once freed, Scowl and Batso hear and see Maliss with Snow White fly overhead. Scowl and Batso use this opportunity fly away, initially forever, but Scowl catches sight of the dwarfelles, who are already at the drawbridge. Wow, that was fast! For some reason, Scowl plans to capture the dwarfelles to win back Maliss's trust.
Dude. Scowl. Maliss tried to kill you, and will still kill you if he sees you again. Just give it up, owl! But no; if a male owl can lay an egg, you can be sure he'll never listen to reason! Scowl and Batso try to lift pudgy Sunburn up over the drawbridge and into the castle. They clear the drawbridge, but Batso lets go to make a joke, which results in Scowl falling with Sunburn. Sunburn traps Scowl in a chain, and an excerpt of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony plays before she does [?]. Sunburn then lowers the drawbridge for the other dwarfelles to cross. Once inside the castle, they make a discovery: almost all of the last ten or so minutes have been nothing but blue backgrounds!
Da-ba-de-ba-die!
Seriously. What's with all the blue? Blue is my favorite color, sure, but that doesn't mean I want to see every single background for the last quarter of the movie be a solid, singular color!
At any rate, the dwarfelles deal with Maliss's goons, and all get the best of them. Elsewhere, Snow White wakes up and finds Prince He-Man by her side. He very sinisterly leads her to a creepy, unsettling portion of the castle's rooftops. Then when "Prince He-Man" finally reveals himself to really be Lord Maliss, Snow White is shocked. I know, it was so subtle and sneaky! I also love how Snow White refers to the man whom she'll marry as "My Prince." Doesn't he have a name? Wait, He-Man! Duh, dopey me! Meanwhile, the dwarfelles meet the Looking Glass, who decided to break rank and assist the dwarfelles with finding Snow White. He gives them a clue that allows them to find a secret passageway, and they hurry after Maliss and Snow White.
What follows is the film's climax. Maliss has a collection of freakish statues set up, but the centerpiece is incomplete: the platform with a SNOW WHITE plaque is there, but not Snow White herself! Maliss demonstrates his magic cloak (not the one he wears) by tossing it over a living creature. When the cloak is removed, the creature is revealed to be transformed to stone! Fasp! Orko jumps in and hits Maliss. Then Snow White tries to punch him in the chest, but this only translates to an unwanted massage for the powerful sorcerer. He shoves Snow White aside and zaps Orko with his magic. Orko tries one last time to save Snow White, but Maliss thrashes him violently via magic, and Orko lies motionless on the floor. Maliss has Snow White's hands tied and is just about to place the cloak over her, but then the dwarfelles arrive just in time!
"We're gonna [mess] your [crap] up!"
Just in time for the most excruciatingly painful goof in the whole movie, that is! I had just mentioned that Snow White's hands were tied, right? They were shown multiple times by this point, it's a given fact that Snow White's hands are bound together. Well, when the dwarfelles tackle and attack Maliss, there is a second-long shot of Snow White with her hands free of rope, and up to her face (recycled animation). Then in the next shot of her, her hands are tied behind her back again, and Thunderella has to untie her. Sigh.
This movie sucks and I hate it!
Maliss cloaks the dwarfelles, and turns every one of them to stone! Well, almost all of them; Thunderella is hiding behind a pillar and readies herself for an elemental attack. Maliss laughs and then, with his eyeballs, shoots his magic beam right into Snow White's chest as she screams loudly in pain and--
This movie rocks and I love it!
"Venkman! Shorten your stream; I don't want my boobs burned off!"
Oh, man, this is by far my favorite scene in this movie. Sadly, it can't last forever. Just before Maliss can trap Snow White once and for all, Thunderella finally gets her lightning to work. She jumps out from behind the pillar and zaps Maliss. Maliss attempts to cover the surviving dwarfelle, but Snow White regains her compsure, grabs the cloak, and covers Maliss with it. What follows is Maliss's demise: there is a large gust of wind followed by a lightning bolt from the sky that strikes Maliss. He transforms into the red dragon and stands. While he remains a dragon, its head turns into his normal Maliss head [?] and this is the pose he makes before transforming into stone, ending his short reign of terror forever!
That is until the Queen and Maliss's fourth cousin twice removed seeks vengeance on Snow White, but oh, well!
The dwarfelles are revived and good as new, but Orko is still obviously dead. Snow White cradles him in her arms and begins to cry, as Mother Nature materializes and spouts out some sentimental stuff I didn't really pay attention to.
After a clipshow of various Snow White x Orko footage seen earlier in the movie, Orko transforms into his real form: Prince He-Man.
WOW! WHAT A SURPRISE!
Orko--er--He-Man and Snow White are thrilled. They hug each other. I would have preferred a kiss, but whatever. Oh, never mind; there's the kiss.
The happy ending is here! Snow White and Prince He-Man are more ready to marry than ever before. The dwarfelles are allowed to attend the wedding, and can expect to keep their elemental powers and stay on Mother Nature's good side. Moonbeam and Marina are still completely useless. And as for Scowl the owl and Batso the bat? They're forced to become good guys, and Scowl is forced to quit smoking forever. But as soon as Scowl is forced to give up smoking, he inhales deeply and exclaims, "Ahhhh! Fresh air! I can breathe again!" Yes, folks, in this movie, when you quit smoking, your lungs are instantly healed, and there's no risks of long term effects at all!
"I'm breathing... Air! AIR!!"
Before Prince He-Man and Snow White kiss one more time, this romantic exchange happens.
Prince He-Man: "Are you ready to live happily ever after?"
Snow White: [nods]
Joseph: "Yes, I am ready to live happily ever after! I never have to watch this movie again! Hallelujah!"
Snow White: [nods]
Joseph: "Yes, I am ready to live happily ever after! I never have to watch this movie again! Hallelujah!"
The movie's end credits start almost on the dot an hour and nine minutes in. The song that accompanies the film's credits, "Love is the Reason," is sung by Irene Cara.
This movie couldn't end soon enough!
There's a lot, and I mean a lot, of fangirls on YouTube and IMDb who insist that this movie is "way better" than the Disney film, mostly because of Snow White. While I do agree that Snow White is definitely more active in this film, and I admit that I like some of her actions, this is by no means a better movie. If I weren't such a calm and collected critic, I would accuse those fangirls of being completely moronic. Simple minds, simple pleasures, right? Well, I'm not one to say things like that... directly.
For one, the animation is nowhere near as refined and gorgeous as Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. The Disney film was heavily rotoscoped, sure, but it was rotoscoped well, and the movie remains a timeless masterpiece. The animation seen in Happily Ever After would actually make for a very well-animated television series, but it's not particularly fit for a feature-length movie filmed for theaters.
Not to mention the songs and music score in the Disney film are miles and miles better; there's no contest. It might seem unfair for me to compare this movie with the Disney film, but guess what? That will inevitably happen when you make this damn movie a wannabe sequel to the Disney classic!
Not to mention the characters. Sure, Snow White and Prince He-Man are more active in this film than their Disney counterparts, but the supporting cast is fiercely lacking in comparison with Seven Dwarfs. The dwarfelles have an interesting premise with the elemental powers, but they're just there. They don't really amount to anything other than to progress the story, unlike dwarfs such as Grumpy and Dopey, who are both timeless and beloved characters. Speaking of the dwarfelles, only Muddy, Sunburn, Thunderella and Critterina really do anything remotely interesting. Moonbeam and Marina are a total waste; the movie could continue unaffected if those two characters were 86'd. Blossom tries to do something, but ultimately she just proves that Zsa Zsa Gabor doesn't belong in an animated film. All of the dwarfelles have annoying voices, with the exception of Critterina. Critterina sounds like a female Yosemite Sam, and, honestly, I find that kinda... sexy. But even though I find the voice intriguing, it simply does not belong in the Snow White universe. Imagine Coach and Ellis's voices from "Left 4 Dead 2," and place them in the context of Alice in Wonderland, and you'll know what I mean.
Scowl the owl is my favorite character, but that's just because he's voiced by Edward Asner, not because he's funny or interesting. He and Batso exist only for comic relief; like Moonbeam and Marina, they could be discarded and not affect the plot.
Dom DeLuise's character isn't funny, but he's not offensive, either. Of course, it makes me miss the elegant yet scary magic mirror from the Disney film. As for Lord Maliss, I'll hit this one out of the park: if I didn't know Malcolm McDowell better while watching this movie, I'd say he was a horrible no-name actor. I love Malcolm McDowell; A Clockwork Orange is a classic, and McDowell is capable of much better. But he is atrocious in this movie. It's not bad acting; it's bad acting from a decent actor, and that really hurts my feelings.
Phyllis Diller can be quite funny, but again her comic talent is restrained here. And the more I look at Mother Nature's design, the more it looks like the White Queen from Alice Through the Looking Glass! Jeez.
So, that is Happily Ever After. Now that my movie-watching experience is done with, now comes the part of my review where I give my final opinion. The case-closer. The wrap-up. The star score. But before I give my rating, how can I sum up my feelings for this movie? Well... you know what? I believe I will explain it through rap!
Listen, kid, I think you should know
Crappily Ever After really does blow!
This movie is just for saps!
Say this beats Disney? I say you've snapped! (Yeeeeaaaaaah!)
It's baaaaaaaaaad!
Sooooooo baaaaaaaaad!
(It's bad, see?! It's so ugly!)
It's a flaming piece of turd!
And that is Joseph's final word!
It's baaaaaaaaaad!
Sooooooo baaaaaaaaad!
(Bad movie, ya got that?!)
It takes total commitment to make such trash
This movie's worse than a bus crash!
I've come this far, and I've got one qualm:
This movie's so bad, it makes me facepalm! (Yeeeeeaaaaaaah!)
It's baaaaaaaaaad!
Sooooooo baaaaaaaaad!
(It's a yicky flicky!)
It's a flaming piece of turd!
And that is Joseph's final word!
It's baaaaaaaaaad!
Sooooooo baaaaaaaaad!
(I prefer to watch GOOD movies, see?!)
[/i]Crappily Ever After really does blow!
This movie is just for saps!
Say this beats Disney? I say you've snapped! (Yeeeeaaaaaah!)
It's baaaaaaaaaad!
Sooooooo baaaaaaaaad!
(It's bad, see?! It's so ugly!)
It's a flaming piece of turd!
And that is Joseph's final word!
It's baaaaaaaaaad!
Sooooooo baaaaaaaaad!
(Bad movie, ya got that?!)
It takes total commitment to make such trash
This movie's worse than a bus crash!
I've come this far, and I've got one qualm:
This movie's so bad, it makes me facepalm! (Yeeeeeaaaaaaah!)
It's baaaaaaaaaad!
Sooooooo baaaaaaaaad!
(It's a yicky flicky!)
It's a flaming piece of turd!
And that is Joseph's final word!
It's baaaaaaaaaad!
Sooooooo baaaaaaaaad!
(I prefer to watch GOOD movies, see?!)
[Joseph coughs until he falls off his chair, and leaves behind an egg he had just laid.]
* out of ****
-----
For this review, I would like to thank YouTube users hillevifan and gael42 for the digital videos of the movie's songs and Thunderella's Song, respectively!
Also, I wish to thank Elisa for her "long-term smoking effect" joke!
