Post by Donald Duck on Jun 30, 2010 20:02:18 GMT -8
Is this movie, and by extension the franchise, good? Or is Twilight overrated garbage? Joseph is about to find out!
Sometimes I feel like I woke up from an unnaturally long slumber. This is because there are some days where I wake up, and find out that someone or something is inexplicably popular. Lady Gaga is one; I still don’t quite know who the hell Lady Gaga is, or why she’s all that and a bag of chips. I also never understood the significance of vuvuzelas; if they were designed to just be annoying and make anyone who plays them an insufferable dumbass, then congratulations to them, because they succeeded! But do you know what franchise had the biggest “Whoa! What? Whoa!” reaction from me, the one franchise that I initially never heard of, and then one day later it’s all over the place? Twilight.
Not three years ago, I never knew who Bella Swan was, and the same goes for Edward Cullen. Hell, I didn’t know Stephenie Meyer existed. But all of a sudden, these books and their movie adaptations became very popular and economic smash hits. It’s always weird when something like that happens.
Twilight is especially polarizing. You’re either on board with a passion, or you flip off the franchise with a passion. There appears to be no middle ground; it’s either extreme like or extreme dislike. Where do I fall? Well, I couldn’t lean one way or the other without experiencing something Twilight for myself, right? I didn’t want to be a hater or an apologist without being somewhat fair, so I decided to watch the first movie: Twilight (2008).
The first thing I found out right away is that Twilight has vampires. Oh, goody! I love classic vampires! So surely the vampires in this movie will be cool, right? Well, let’s get this party started! The movie starts with unique music, and our heroine, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) narrates. She talks about dying and sacrifice and junk, as the camera pans through what looks like FernGully. It better not be the jungle from the Hugo franchise, because I hate Hugo! A deer is pursued by a very fast man, likely a vampire.
“ME CONQUER ANIMAL!”
Bella continues narrating, as we get a good look at her.
She looks stoned. I think she's very hungry right about now...
Seriously, she looks like she’s baked. Maybe this was just a bad shot? Well, she’ll definitely improve as the movie progresses! I think.
Bella, a native to Phoenix, Arizona, has to leave her home. Her mother and stepfather are going out on the road, and so Bella will spend time with her biological father in Forks. The change is drastic; from hot to cold, basically. As Bella travels, the movie title shows itself.
What’s with the swirly G anyway? What’s that about?
Bella’s dad, Charlie, is the chief of police at Forks. She calls her biological father “Charlie?” What a witch! She refers to her biological mother as “mom,” and her dad as “Charlie.” Way to pick sides, you snot. At Forks we meet wheelchair-bound Billy Black and his son, Jacob. Here’s commentary from my brother, Jacob: “This guy ruined my name. He cursed me and all other Jacobs in this generation and for generations to come, because of this guy!” I sympathize, Jake. I sympathize. Billy and Jacob are reputedly important characters, even though they don’t really do anything in this movie.
Bella is a new student at Forks High School: “home of the Spartans.” No. I’m not going to make any 300 reference; that movie has been run to the ground already. I don’t need to make it worse! She immediately meets a particularly annoying creepo named Eric, “the eyes and ears of this place.” This guy disturbs me; he’s clearly a sexual predator, yet no one does anything about it. Bella also meets Mike and Jessica. Their conversations are very awkward and goofy.
What the hell? Where are the vampires? I was promised vampires, not some generic high school movie! This isn’t entertaining; every single guy in the school wants to get into Bella’s pants. Why? Never mind that she’s a newcomer; do you instantly turn into the big bad wolf when you receive a new neighbor, or when your work has an intern? Maybe every dude in this Forks High School just has a thing for chicks that look perpetually stoned? But come on! Where are the vampires?
I ask again, where are the vampires? That is not a vampire. He doesn’t have fangs, and he’s out and about in the day. That’s not a vampire! That is, however, Edward Cullen. Bella first gets a good look at the Cullens, and at the drop of a hat Bella is infatuated with Edward. She ogles him as if he were a giant Pop Tart. Get it? Because Bella has a stoned look all the time! Yeah, that wasn’t too good...
Bella and Edward sit together in a classroom for a scene that goes on longer than it should. Bella then overhears Edward being upset that he has to sit next to Bella, and storms off. The next day, Bella intends to “demand to know what [Edward’s] problem is.” Wow, what a considerate person! I like Bella; it’s not like she’s a nosy bimbo or anything. How far into the movie am I? 14 minutes? This is a problem. Edward doesn’t show up to class for days. Shockingly, someone in Mason County is murdered.
After the murder, Edward returns to class. They introduce themselves more formally. As they bond, I immediately notice something about Kristen Stewart: she blinks five-thousand times a minute. I know I tend to blink rapidly because of my sensitive eyes, but this girl is way beyond me. It’s distracting when she tries to act surprised or dumbfounded…
What obviously kicks off their mutual attraction is when Edward saves Bella’s life. Our heroine would have been killed by a car gone awry, if Edward had not intervened. Edward blew his cover by displaying his superhuman strength; he singlehandedly stopped the car from colliding onto Bella. Bella is shocked. So shocked, that she doesn’t realize that her pants are on very low. Seriously, girl, pull up your jeans.
Say no to crack, and all that.
Bella is taken to a hospital, even though she’s fine. There she meets Edward’s foster dad, Dr. Cullen.
“Hi! Could I be any more obvious? Hurpy durp!”
You can’t be serious. The Cullen kids were goofy enough, but Dr. Cullen is even worse? Really? His pale complexion and deep eyes are hilarious; when I first watched his entrance, I laughed out loud. It’s ridiculous! He’s as subtle as Adolf Hitler trying to pass off as a nanny.
“You find zer fun, und snap! Zer job’s a game!”
Bella is haunted by this. She has trouble sleeping, she blinks, she continues looking like she just toke it up. The usual with her! During a class field trip, Bella rejects Mike’s invitation to the prom, but she convinces him to ask out Jessica. That’s noble, Bella! Meanwhile, Eric the Creepo is genuinely entertained; he uses a stick to dangle a worm in front of Bella, while exclaiming, “Bella, look! It’s a worm! It’s a worm! Hahahahaha!”
“Look! It’s still a worm! It’s a worm! Hahahahaha!”
Mother of mercy, Forks must be an excruciatingly boring place if a worm on a stick tickles your funny bone. I love how Eric is completely stoked on this. Simple minds, simple pleasures, I guess!
This is annoying; Bella and Edward are doing the whole “I don’t like you, don’t talk to me, we shouldn’t be friends, we’re so gonna hook up anyway!” routine. This routine has been old hat for years, and it’s tiresome here.
At the beach, Bella motivates a girl to asking Creepo Eric out. She tells her to ask him out, and continues with, “You’re a strong, independent woman.” Quite unlike Bella! By the way, Bella continues to talk to the guy who lost control of his car and almost killed her. Now that's forgiveness! Jacob happens to be at the beach, and he tells Bella some tribal story about a pack of wolves.
Granny was right!
Jacob also tells Bella a “rumor” about the Cullen ancestry. This flashback sequence is hilarious; the costumes are very unconvincing and just reek of “high school video.” Meanwhile, one of Charlie’s friends is killed by a different group of vampires. I’m sure they’re vampires, anyway.
One night, Bella purchases a book relevant to her interests. She is harassed by a group of rapists, but Edward intervenes (of course!). Bella gets into his car, and Edward scares off the rapists by snarling with an animal sound effect. This is so dumb! Hahaha! Ahem. Sorry. Bella eats dinner, but Edward doesn’t eat because he’s on a special diet, HAHA, so funny and mysterious. Bella demands some answers. She demands this by blinking rapidly. Edward teases Bella about mindreadings.
Charlie is sad that his friend of thirty years was murdered. He vows to find the murderer. He lovingly gives mace to his daughter. Bella is initially hesitant, but why should she? She got harassed by rapists just hours prior! If I were in such a close call, I’d be Mr. Mace. Totally.
With help from the magical Internet, and Edward’s own admission, Bella realizes something ‘surprising.’
Bella: “I know what you are.”
Edward: “Say it. Out loud. Say it.”
Bella: “Vampire.”
DUH! Did we really need to wait fifty-one minutes just to get to this point? There was absolutely no suspicion to begin with, so this buildup is just tedious and annoying. I’m not trying to hate Twilight, but, man, this is grating.
Now here comes the funniest scene in the entire movie! Edward gives Bella a piggy-back ride, as Edward runs faster than a speeding bullet… in theory. In truth, Edward is obviously suspended by wire, and rapidly kicks his feet in a stereotypical ‘running’ motion, as he glides up the mountainside. Are you serious? Couldn’t they have created some kind of blur effect? Or try anything convincing? This is just silly.
But wait! We go from one hilariously goofy scene to another hilariously goofy scene! Edward exposes himself to genuine sunlight (not overcast), and sparkles! Are you kidding me? Vampires turn to ash! They don’t sparkle like a damn new age decoration. What is going on here, Stephenie Meyer? Are you insane?!
This is embarrassing. This franchise gives vampires a bad name.
But wait! Edward goes all emo. He whines about being a monster, about being fast and strong. But can he act?! Well, he has trouble with that… The two finally admit their feelings for each other, and essentially profess their loves, and—okay, Kristen Stewart, I don’t know what I find more distracting: your emotionless, stone cold eyes or your flicking eyelids.
After the scene, Bella narrates. “About three things I was absolutely positive: first, Edward was a vampire.”
DUH. Ya think?
“Second, there was a part of him, and I didn’t know how dominant that part might be… that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.”
Cool, does that mean the movie’s over? What, we have another hour? I hate my life.
Edward explains the history of the Cullens, specifically of Dr. Obvious. Later, Edward visits Bella at her home and invites her to his family’s house the following day. But he has to leave when Jacob’s family drops by.
This guy’s intense face is hilarious.
At the Cullens’, we are introduced to the seven dwarfs of vampires, each with a gimmick. Alice can read into the future, but her legs aren’t fat. Disappointing. Bella is brought to Edward’s room, where she learns that vampires don’t sleep.
… Really, Meyer? Really?
Anyway, Bella also learns that Edward loves Debussy’s Clair de Lune. Okay, I’ll be fair and give credit where credit is due. Clair de Lune is awesome. Well played, Monsieur Edward.
Edward gives another piggy-back ride to Bella, as they climb the treetops. “This isn’t real!” Bella says. “This kind of stuff just doesn’t exist!” It does in bad fiction, Bella. It does in bad fiction. Edward also impresses Bella by playing the piano wonderfully. He is so wonderful at the piano, in fact, that his piano can also imitate a full-scale string orchestra!
On a different day, Bella meets with Daddy Charlie at the usual restaurant. There Bella suggests Charlie to order a salad next time, to cut back on the steak. I hate Bella with all my life. Sorry. Actually, Charlie isn’t too likable, either; there’s a reported killer out on the loose, and he urges his daughter to go out because it’s a Friday night. Okay…
Now comes the worst part of the movie for me, the scene that really irritates me. Edward randomly enters Bella’s room, and they converse.
Bella: “How did you get in here?”
Edward: “The window.”
Bella: “Do you do that a lot?”
Edward: “Just the past couple of months.”
[pause]
Edward: “I like watching you sleep. It’s kinda fascinating to me.”
Oh, my God! This guy is a sick bastard! He’s repulsive! He’s unlikable! He’s a grotesque monster that doesn’t deserve to have fans! Seriously, he ogles Bella while she sleeps? That’s horrible! Good thing Bella will be smart enough to know that this isn’t okay, and do something about this! Right?
Bella: [makes out with Edward]
NO! Damn it, no! What’s wrong with you?! You’re right, Bella! This isn’t real! This kind of stuff just doesn’t exist! If someone told me that they have been watching me sleep for months, I would seriously punch that person in the face. That’s just not right, man. This is not romantic; this is creepy and disturbing. Already I’m chalking this franchise up as overrated.
For crying out loud—could Bella have been played by a woman who doesn’t have a spastic pair of eyelids? It’s getting really distracting. Honestly, in every shot she’s either shaking her head, biting her lip, twitching, or blinking! Don’t believe me? Watch this.
I’m sorry for bagging on Kristen, but if it’s bad acting, it’s bad acting. I won’t go so far as to accuse Kristen Stewart of being a completely bad actress, because I’ve never watched any other movie she’s in. But in this movie, she stinks. Sadly, Edward isn’t too far behind, either.
Eventually, Edward finally meets Charlie. Charlie is not especially receptive. The forbidden pairing join the other Cullens in a game of baseball. That’s right; the vampires play a game of baseball. To be fair, vampires playing a game could’ve been an interesting scenario. Too bad it just ends up being goofy. Unfortunately for them, their game is interrupted by murderers: a trio of silly-looking vampires. If you thought the Cullens looked ridiculous, check out these three.
We don’t look credible, and the guy on the left looks foolish! Clearly we are the bad guys!
The party crashers are Laurent, Victoria, and James. That’s funny! Two classy names and good ol’ Jim. Like Augustus, Elizabeth, and Bobby-Ham. Unfortunately, James sniffs out Bella as a muggle, and he describes her as a snack. What follows is a “How is this movie popular?” moment: the opposing vampires start hissing, and they lean forward and glare at each other.
How can you take this crap seriously?
Okay, I guess can I handle sparkling in the sun. But here’s something I can’t handle: the lack of fangs. Where the hell are your fangs, everybody? You’re a vampire, so you need fangs. Why don’t you have them? This is not an artistic/creative decision; this is abject stupidity. When you use mythological beings, you are expected to follow certain guidelines. For vampires, you need fangs. If you don’t have fangs, guess what? You’re a poser. This isn’t the biggest reason I hate Twilight, but, damn, does it annoy me greatly.
Yeah, I just admitted it. I hate this movie. Should I even continue? Well… okay, I will.
So James, who looks like a pitiful Sylar wannabe but is a far worse actor, wants to eat Bella. Edward had read Jim’s mind, and the evil vampire has an obsession with hunting. James also "runs" up mountainsides like a marionette. Attempts to protect Bella and her family from James are futile, and they end up having a final showdown in a ballet studio. Bella took lessons there as a kid; it’s a shame she didn’t also take blinking lessons.
To sum up the film’s “climax” (haha), James gets Bella in critical condition by venom, but he’s killed by the intervening Cullens. Bella looks higher than ever as Edward saves her life.
"Dude, you just blew my mind..."
When Edward saves Bella, a montage plays. Then Bella wakes up in her hospital bed, where Edward suggests leaving Bella to spare her life. Bella flips out by blinking and moving her head like a madman, so Edward changes his mind and promises Bella he’ll never leave her. Aww, Edward has a ball-in-chain now!
Bella and Edward attend prom, Jacob obviously dislikes Edward, and something very surprising happens: it is revealed that prom is a rite of passage! I actually did not attend prom, so I guess I’m a loser! Bella and Edward dance, but Bella demands Edward to curse her. She wants to be a vampire? She wants to leave her parents, just to be with a fangirl heartthrob? It’s official; I really hate Bella. How is she likable? She’s not a good heroine at all.
But Edward rejects Bella’s demand (good for him), and they continue dancing. Bella’s voice brings closure, but I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about her, I don’t care about this movie, I don’t care about Victoria watching the two lovers from a window, I don’t care—huh? Wait, what?
Yeah! Victoria stalked them. She smirks like the smug character she is, and… that’s it. The movie’s over. Cue credits! There’s more footage played during the credits, but I’m done. Literally.
[sigh] Wow, this was a bad one. I’m sorry, guys, I know this wasn’t a funny review. If you were entertained nevertheless, I appreciate it. But this movie is bad. Am I saying that the whole Twilight franchise is bad? Well, I’ve never read the books (don’t plan to), and this is the only movie I’ve watched. I can't say the entire franchise is terrible for sure, but I will say that the first movie is a piece of crap, and it killed my appetite for anything Twilight. Bella is an unlikable Mary Sue; Edward is cardboard (haha); the vampire treatment in this saga is flat-out stupid. Sparkling in the sun and no fangs, my ass; Dracula: Dead and Loving It is more credible than this garbage!
I had watched this movie about a month ago to prepare for my review, and I knew I was in trouble. This movie is just bad, but also boring. The first hour of the movie is just Bella and Edward in denial and the second hour lacks a significant climax. James is a lame villain, and the whole film is tortuous to watch for the uninitiated, such as myself. Of all the movies I reviewed, this was probably the most difficult. I’m serious, Felix the Cat: The Movie was much easier and more fun for me to review. Sure, Felix is a terrible movie, but it didn’t bore me! This movie, on the other hand, is awful. I wish this was the “twilight” of the entire franchise.
So I harshly criticized Twilight in every possible way, but if you’re a Twilight fan… then why are you reading this review? Just kidding! If you’re a Twilight fan, don’t feel ashamed. While it is true that I’m a hater, and that I hate Bella, Edward, and everything under the universe’s sparkle-inducing sun, you shouldn’t feel bad just because of my two cents. I understand if you’re a fan; we all are fans of items that not everyone appreciates. Don’t beat yourself up just because I think Stephenie Meyer is a hack and deserves arthritis. Don’t think lowly of yourself just because I think Kristen Stewart’s Bella has less expressive eyes than a Robert Zemeckis motion-capture model, and doesn’t know how to convey. This is just my opinion, after all!
… And in my opinion, the fact that Twilight sucks is the gospel truth.
½ of * out of ****
AH, AH, AH! I PUNCH YOU THREE TIMES!
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Special thanks to Amanda for the Hitler Poppins photo edit! And thanks to YouTube user caterina182 for creating the video clip of Kristen Stewart's thespian talents!
... OMG IT SPINS!!!!
Just kidding!